Famous Spinster Birthday - Diane Keaton

"I don't think because I'm not married it's made my life any less.  That old-maid myth is garbage." -- Diane Keaton

Born:  January 5, 1946

(Note:  She's not childless, but she's still pretty cool.)

Famous Spinster Birthday -- Queen Christina of Sweden

"As you know, no one over thirty years of age is afraid of tittle-tattle. I myself find it much less difficult to strangle a man than to fear him."  -- Queen Christina of Sweden

Born:  December 18, 1626
Died:  April 19, 1689

Famous Spinster Birthday -- Jane Austen

"A lady's imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment."  -- Jane Austen

Born:  December 16, 1775
Died:  July 18, 1817

Famous Spinster Birthday -- Emily Dickinson

"If I can stop one heart from breaking, I shall not have lived in vain."  -- Emily Dickinson

Born:  December 10, 1830
Died:  May 15, 1886

Famous Spinster Birthday -- Tyra Banks

"My mom never taught me to be waiting for some prince on a white horse to swipe me off my feet."  -- Tyra Banks

Born:  December 4, 1973

Today in Queen Bess's Life

Today marks the anniversary of Elizabeth's famous Golden Speech delivered to the Members of the House of Commons in 1601.  It was to be the last time that she would ever address members of Parliament.

From the speech:

"It is not my desire to live or reign longer than my life and reign shall be for your good. And though you have had, and may have, many mightier and wiser princes sitting in this seat, yet you never had, nor shall have, any that will love you better."

Famous Spinster Birthday -- Louisa May Alcott

"It takes two flints to make a fire."  -- Louisa May Alcott

Born:  November 29, 1832
Died:  March 6, 1888

Famous Spinster Birthday -- Dr. Condoleeza Rice

"I believe in a marriage of equals, that's how my parents were, and that's how I would see it."  -- Condoleeza Rice

Born:  November 14, 1954

Today in Queen Bess's Life

Edward VI by Hans Holbein

In 1537, Elizabeth becomes a big sister to Edward -- the child of her father and his third wife, Jane Seymour.  His birth was a source of much joy and relief for his father, his Advisors, and the English people.  I'm going to bet that his mother was the most joyous and relieved since the two wives previous didn't fare well when they were unable to provide a male heir.

Alas, the Queen's joy was short-lived when she died ten days after the birth of her son due to post-natal complications.

A little over nine years later (and three more wives), Henry would die and his son would succeed him as King.

Today in Queen Bess's Life

"I do not want a husband who honours me as a queen, if he does not love me as a woman."

"I would rather be a beggar and single than a queen and married."
-- Queen Elizabeth I

Born:  September 7, 1533
Died:  March 24, 1603

(she gets two quotes because she is my Ultimate Spinster of All Time)

Famous Spinster Birthday -- Cameron Diaz

"I don't believe you should make fun of anyone but yourself."  -- Cameron Diaz

Born:  August 30, 1972

Famous Spinster Birthday -- Mother Teresa

"Spread love everywhere you go.  Let no one ever come to you without leaving happier."  -- Mother Teresa

Born:  August 26, 1910
Died:  September 5, 1997

(Out of respect for Mother Teresa's beliefs, I acknowledge that she was, indeed, married.  However, I think she really, really rocks so I am using the secular definition of marriage.)

Famous Spinster Birthday -- Coco Chanel

"I never wanted to weigh more heavily on a man than a bird."  -- Coco Chanel

Born:  August 19, 1883
Died:  January 10, 1971

Today in Queen Bess's Life

Today marks the anniversary of the Queen's speech to the troops at Tilbury after the defeat of the Spanish Armada ten days earlier in 1588.

There are different accounts of the speech.  The one I like the best:

"My loving people

We have been persuaded by some that are careful of our safety, to take heed how we commit our selves to armed multitudes, for fear of treachery; but I assure you I do not desire to live to distrust my faithful and loving people. Let tyrants fear. I have always so behaved myself that, under God, I have placed my chiefest strength and safeguard in the loyal hearts and good-will of my subjects; and therefore I am come amongst you, as you see, at this time, not for my recreation and disport, but being resolved, in the midst and heat of the battle, to live and die amongst you all; to lay down for my God, and for my kingdom, and my people, my honour and my blood, even in the dust.

I know I have the body but of a weak and feeble woman; but I have the heart and stomach of a king, and of a king of England too, and think foul scorn that Parma or Spain, or any prince of Europe, should dare to invade the borders of my realm; to which rather than any dishonour shall grow by me, I myself will take up arms, I myself will be your general, judge, and rewarder of every one of your virtues in the field.

I know already, for your forwardness you have deserved rewards and crowns; and We do assure you in the word of a prince, they shall be duly paid you. In the mean time, my lieutenant general shall be in my stead, than whom never prince commanded a more noble or worthy subject; not doubting but by your obedience to my general, by your concord in the camp, and your valour in the field, we shall shortly have a famous victory over those enemies of my God, of my kingdom, and of my people."

Yeah, I went cheesy with the photo because it's one of my favorite scenes from the movie Elizabeth:  The Golden Age.

Famous Spinster Birthday -- Emily Bronte

"I'll walk where my own nature would be leading:  It vexes me to choose another guide."  -- Emily Bronte

Born:  July 30, 1818
Died:  December 19, 1848

Today in Queen Bess's Life

Britain's defeat of the Spanish Armada in 1588 is, perhaps, one of those events that is taught in most every Western History class as it was the moment that Britain proved its superiority on the seas.  The battle also resulted in a technological revolution that changed the face of naval battles.

The planned invasion by Spain was ordered by the Kind of Spain, Phillip II, and supported by the then Pope, Sixtus V.  Phillip was the widower of Elizabeth's older, Roman Catholic sister, Mary.  Ever since Mary's death, Phillip had challenged the legitimacy of Elizabeth's rule and called her a heretic for her Protestant beliefs.  The failed invasion had been regarded as a crusade.

Famous Spinster Birthday -- Lizzie Borden

"Oh, Mrs. Churchill, do come over, someone has killed father."  -- Lizzie Borden

Born:  July 19, 1860
Died:  June 1, 1927

EER Rant Chapter 7: How to Use Subject Lines

When our elementary school teachers started us on writing essays or book reports, one of the most important elements we learned about was the title.  The title is meant to tell the reader what your essay is about.  From the emails I receive, I am wondering if there was a shortage of red pencils everywhere else in the country because these subject lines (or titles) suck.  I can only think that they were never taught how to write a proper title and that is why their subject lines tend to appear as if they were written by illiterates.

Subject line abuse has so many different forms, I decided to make a list for this post.

1.  No subject line.  What more do I need to say?  The only thing I can think of is that this is actually a strategy.  The sender thinks the recipient will receive the subject line-less email and think, "Oooh!  A surprise problem!  It's just like Let's Make a Deal!  I'm going to open that one first!"  Guess what?  If you didn't take the time to think of a couple of words that describe the content of the email, I can't see why I'm going to look at it first.

2.  Entire message is in the subject line.  Yeah...  And I'm not saying just a two word message.  I've received emails that have two or three sentence subject lines with no body.  Wtf?  First, it's messy to read.  Second, it makes that email three or four lines high in my inbox which pushes other conversations out of my sight.  This is not a text message.  It's an email.  Act like you've used email before.

3.  The subject is in all caps.  Isn't the most basic of all email etiquette knowledge?  ALL CAPS MEANS YOU'RE SHOUTING AT ME.  Because you are not walking behind me in the hallway and need to get my attention before I go into another room, you don't need to effing yell at me.  I brought this issue up to the supervisor of a person who always sent her emails that way.  He made the excuse, "Well, she has her caps lock on for another program she uses a lot.  I'm sure that's why she does it."  I responded with, "Then why isn't the body of her email in caps?"  He didn't have an answer.  He also hasn't corrected her.  I guess he doesn't care how she's representing his company.

4.  The subject is 'Question'.  This is only minimally better than no subject line.  If you are in business and writing someone an email, it's unlikely you are writing to say, "I just wanted to tell you that you're awesome." You have a question or a need.  I don't believe you aren't creative.  I just think you're lazy.  That's not fair, the lazier person just uses the question mark.

5.  The subject line says "call me".  Uhm.  This is sorta like #2.  I decided to give it's own listing because it's a combo of #2 on this list and the "Urgent" flag.  You need to talk with me.  How is it you cannot pick up the phone?  If you are afraid you are interrupting a meeting, you needn't worry!  I won't pick up the phone!

I'm not asking for the first sentence of a great novel.  I don't need to be intrigued by what is within the email.  I just need to have an idea before I open it up.  That's all.  Not much to ask.

What kinds of subject line irritations do you experience?

EER Rant Chapter 6: Respect the Out of Office Message

I am a huge fan of the Out of Office Message.  When I send an email with an issue which requires a timely (not immediate -- because that's what phone calls are for) response and I receive a message letting me know that the person is out and how long they are going to be out, I can decide how I want to proceed.  If I cannot wait until they are back, I go to another person who might be able to help and I send a note to the original recipient that says, "Hey.  This is taken care of."  That way, they have one less thing on their desk when they return to work.

I know a few people, however, who seem to think the "Out of Office" message is either a dare or an invitation to, "Please fill up my inbox while I am away.  While I am out, I am dreaming of dealing with all of your issues when I return."  I'm not trying to diminish any concerns the senders might have.  It's just that these particular correspondents seem to think, "Ooh.  Everyone else is going to leave her alone.  So, if I fill up her inbox, she will be working on my stuff as soon as she returns."

When I had that surgery back in February, I called one of my clients and told him that I was going to have to cancel an appointment we had because I was going to have emergency surgery and then would be taking time off to recuperate.  The "Out of Office" message I set up said simply that I was out of the office until X date because I didn't feel like telling the world that I had surgery.  That client sent me three emails a day for a week -- even the weekends.

After twenty one emails, he emailed to ask, "Have you been getting my emails?"

Because of the heavy dose of Oxycodone, it took me an hour to craft the following:

Dear Dumbfuck,
I have been getting your emails.  In fact, they are pissing me off because you know I had surgery.  "Recovering" from surgery doesn't mean answering your emails all day.  I can hardly figure out how to send an email because of these splendid drugs which are, by the way, the reason I haven't called you to tell you off.

Because of you, I will need to resume drinking in order to cope after I run out of my oxy.
XOXO
Surly Spinster

Because I follow the rule of not sending off emails when I am in angry, I discarded the message when I was done.  Well... I hit "print" and then discarded the message.  It's hanging on my office door because I just might snail mail it to him one day if I get another job.

Here's the point...  You may think the "Out of Office" message means the person is taking a lovely vacation in a tropical place which means they will be so re-energized when they return that they are going to be able to plow through your requests in record time.  Stop to think before you freak out and load them up.  Maybe they are sick, maybe someone in their family is sick, maybe someone has passed away.  In short, don't be a dick.  Oh, and even if they are on vacay, they are not looking forward to your marathon of missives when they return.

What do you think?  Is it okay to fill up someone's inbox when you know they are gone?  Unless, of course, you hate them.

EER Rant Chapter 5: Do Not Write An Email When You Are Angry Or In a Rush

One of my favorite pieces of wisdom is:

Say it and forget it, write it and regret it.

I heard it on the People's Court one day.  I don't know if the credit should go to Judge Marilyn Milian or if it's from somewhere else.  The case was about the defendant owing the plaintiff money and the defendant claiming that the money was a gift -- like the majority of cases on the show.  The plaintiff, however, had texts from the defendant that said the defendant was going to pay her back.  Done.  Case closed.  The defendant tried to claim that wasn't evidence.  The judge disagreed because the texts came from her phone and the defendant admitted to writing them.  That was when the judge said the above.

What does that mean in the email world?  It means the same thing.  If you do not want anyone else seeing what you have written, do not write it.  If you write something that is nasty, threatening, shows your incompetence or can be construed to do so -- you could live to regret it.

How does this apply to etiquette?  Simply, don't be rude or thoughtless -- be a professional.  I am blown away by what has been coming through my inbox in terms of this very issue.  I've been thinking to myself far too often in the past few weeks, "Did you really want to put that in writing?"  Really?  The answer is likely, "No."  They did it anyhow -- probably because, at the time, they were angry or in a rush.

You have no business writing or responding to emails when you are angry or in a rush.  Well, no one can dictate that you have no business -- it's just a terrible, terrible idea.  When you send on an email that was formulated in an angry moment, a hurried rush, or worst of all an angry hurried rush, the recipient might get hurt feelings, be insulted, or get angry.  You, on the other hand, can come off as incompetent, bitter, and just plain unprofessional.  The worst part?  You have just put a loaded gun in the recipient's hand.  Depending on just how intense the feeling created by your email, they could just hit "Forward" and type in your boss's email address.  It won't go well for you after that.

Last month, I received an email that drove me wild.  It came from a student intern at a client organization I work with.  My main contact and I were trying to resolve an issue.  We copied her on our email thread mostly as a courtesy.  She hopped into the conversation and, in not so many words, told us both we didn't know what we were talking about.  She didn't just suggest, she told us that we were old fashioned and needed to be looking at the situation in a more modern way.  On top of it, she made mention of a conversation that I'd had with another intern.  That conversation wasn't part of the email discussion and the intern hadn't understood the conversation and had admitted as much to me.  At least she was smart enough not to put that in writing.

They very worst part of the email was that all of the intern's comments were about a completely different issue and did not pertain in any way to the conversation in the email.  I happened to be on site when I received the email.  I went to the office of the person who I'd been corresponding with and, when I appeared in his office door with my jaw hanging open, he looked up at me and chuckled, "I know.  I couldn't believe it either."

I went back to my work area and wrote a sizzling response to the young lady.  One that would probably make me cry if I received it.  I then clicked, "Discard" and sat back in my chair.  I felt better and I didn't lower myself to her level.  After that, I had a conversation with her direct supervisor (who she had decided to copy on the email).  He was embarrassed and apologized to me as a business partner.  I accepted that, but suggested this would be a good learning moment for the young lady and she should be required to send an apology email to the both of us.  He squirmed at that because, "She was just upset and tired from finals."

I then asked him if it was okay if I had a conversation with her then, telling her just what was wrong with her email and that, if she were in a different environment in a paid position, it could mean job termination.  He accepted that option -- probably because that meant he wouldn't have to have the confrontation of telling her that she needed to apologize.

Later that day, I sat down with the young lady.  She knew what the conversation was going to be about and had already prepared her excuses about fatigue, stress from finals, not reading clearly enough, etc.  I let her get about ten seconds in when I stopped her and laid out for her that none of that mattered.  She was still required to be a professional.  Her email was insulting on many levels -- most especially the point she made about our lack of understanding of the issue when, combined, myself and the other person have 60 years of experience.  "That's three times longer than you've been alive," I pointed out.

By the end of our conversation, she was apologetic and even thankful because she saw my point.  She shared with me that she had gotten into the habit of writing such emails during this internship and she thought it was okay because no one had said anything to her.  Of course they hadn't -- no one there is as crabby as I am.

Remember you have to work with people.  Think before you put things in writing.

Have you ever received an email that has made your jaw drop?