Purposely Single?

What used to be, "What is Wrong with Me?"

I have never been a "Dating Machine".  In college, I think I managed three dates.  Not even one date a year.  I attributed this to one reason:  I was fat and ugly.  I believed that because during the first half of my senior year in high school, I was subjected to my ex boyfriend (who had dumped me for my best friend the year before) and his best friend waiting for me at the top of the stairs by my locker to greet me every morning with, "Good morning!  You're especially ugly and fat today."  When they would see me in the halls, they would make comments like, "Fat-ass."

I believed them because I was a bigger girl.  I was a humongous size 9!!!  A size which would make be blissful these days.  But, among the girls in my school, that did make me a cow.  It was the late 80s -- eating disorders were prevalent and access to fast food was extremely limited in our small town.  Low self-esteem was the obvious result.

Over the years, my confidence in myself improved, but the number of dates increased only slightly.  So I couldn't blame it on being fat -- there had to be something wrong with me.  Then RLF came to live with me and we would go out together and I would get upset when she would get hit on at a bar and I would not.  I didn't blame any guys who hit on her because she is quite lovely -- I blamed her for not "toning it down" around her "plain" aunt.

She would get frustrated, "Uhm!  That guy was hitting on you.  You just wouldn't talk with him!"

Gravity is a Bitch

About ten years ago, I was working at a client site where I had to be around three 19 year old girls all day for three days.  I was 31 and it was an interesting three days.  To say the least, their topics of conversation -- hair, makeup, how to get some alcohol in the evenings, and boyfriends -- were not the most stimulating.  There came a point when they started discussing the weight they had gained during their first year of college.

"Oh my Gawd!  I put on, like ten pounds, since I graduated high school!  I had to buy new jeans and everything!"

"I know!  I never believed it when people said it's hard to lose weight when you get older, but it's true!" [she says as she stuffs a Baby Ruth in her mouth]

This is where I decided to participate.  Just like sitting around a campfire telling spooky stories, I dropped my voice to a low murmur to set the mood and wished that I had a flashlight to hold under my chins.  "Do you know what is even worse than those ten pounds that you gained?"  The three of them fell silent and six eyes focused on me as they all shook their heads, pony tails swinging.  I continued, "On the morning of your 30th birthday, you will find that everything on your body is one inch lower than it was the night before!"

Honey Boo Boo Hangover

She's much cuter in a still photo.  I can look at her photo and then go on my way and I'm fine.  It's when I flip through the channels and stop on TLC that I'm in trouble because I will find myself mesmerized for hours.  Just like last night.

I was fairly productive yesterday morning:  took out the garbage and recycling, did the laundry and folded it (didn't put it away, mind you -- no need to go crazy), cleaned the  junk off my kitchen table that landed there from weeks of walking in the door and just dropping it there (no need to have it clean for meals or anything), did hair removal, packed up my Christmas presents for RLF and her family (then realized the post office would be closed today and got annoyed), clipped and organized my coupons, wrote a thank you note to my sister for her Christmas presents to me, actually loaded the dishwasher and turned it on (I didn't unload it until this morning)...  You get the picture, I was doing all those little annoying things that don't take a lot of time but always get put off because they don't take a lot of time so you can do it "anytime".

I'm starting...

Wooohooo!  Because I've been procrastinating and rationalizing not starting my New Year's resolutions, I decided today would be the day that I would start living that healthier, more organized life.  That started with hopping on the scale first thing this morning -- you know, that naked, haven't even had anything to drink yet weigh in.  I decided I needed to do that because I need to have a starting point.

With dread, I got on the scale and ... woah.  I weighed eleven pounds less than I thought I would!

Hot diggity!  That should have inspired me to slip on my sneakers and get over to the apartment complex workout room which was also part of my resolution, but it didn't.  While I stood on my patio having my morning cigarette in the freezing cold, I looked across the lawn to the management office and saw some schlub on the treadmill already and I thought, "Nah, I'm already eleven pounds ahead of the game."

I'll admit my discipline needs some work ...