Anyway, we went to Walmart and I worked to control my hyperventilating. Mainly, I don't like Walmart because it's usually merchandised in such a way that the shelves are stacked high and very close together which makes me claustrophobic. If the shelves are not close together, they seem flimsy and like they are going to topple at any moment.
While he went in search of someone to help him with the massive number of candy canes he wanted, I went to see if Walmart actually had my brand and size of tampons. See, in December 2010, my brand of tampon (ob) experienced a 'temporary supply interruption'. It was four months of bitching and complaining -- Mr. Man was sympathetic, but sick of hearing, "You don't use a brand of tampon for 25 years and just switch! It's inhumane!" The only reprieve he had was the two weeks succeeding the Packers' win of the Superbowl. It was the Great ob Tampon Shortage of Winter 2010 (or was it 2011 -- I don't know what it's supposed to be when winter straddles two years).
When they finally came back on the market, my size was no longer available. The Ultra. Women who I do not consider sisters were auctioning boxes on eBay for as much as $700! That's not what you do to a sister! I had one left and kept it like that ring in the Hobbit. I thought, "I'll use this when I really need it." Of course, that's like the pain scale they ask you about at the Doctor's office. Is the pain really a 10? There has to be something worse than this pain -- that's what I tell myself at least so that I can psychologically deal with the pain. Therefore, I have yet to use my 10 on the pain scale.
Likewise, I saved that Ultra o.b. because there would have to be a flow worse than any other flow I'd ever had, right?
My theory was that they were taken off the market because of their Ultra Absorbency. Women just weren't using as many and that meant less were being sold and that meant less money was being made by the manufacturer.
In October, I'd made a trip to company headquarters and was surprised by my monthly. I went over to the nearest supermarket and .... "WHAT?!" There they were -- my Ultra Tampons! Maybe they hadn't migrated as far East as Wisconsin! I bought every box on the shelf. In fact, I stopped at every Walgreen's, Target, and even Walmart I passed and bought every box on the shelf. My hotel roomie teased me that I was building a fort of tampon boxes. When I returned home, I looked in every store and got skunked every time.
Until that day in the Walmart that I never go to. I ran through the maze of aisles like a rat looking up and down for feminine supplies. When I got there, I found the elusive treasure. I might have heard an angel chorus. At last, a local supplier. Alas! It was Walmart. "No problem," I thought as I cradled the four boxes in my arms, "Mr. Man can pick these up for me."
SS: [puffing as I dumped three of the boxes in the cart and held the other one up for him] LOOKIE! They had my size! ULTRA!
MM: [looking at a distant point over my head]
SS: [holding the box up in his line of vision and pointing at the color coded label] Memorize this! The purple label is what I need. Now you can pick these up for me because you know I'm afraid of Walmart.
MM: [nodding at the couple of guys walking by and chuckling as his cheeks burned bright red]
SS: It's like you're not excited or something.
MM: [looking back at me and widening his eyes] Why wouldn't I be totally excited to be getting a lecture about what to look for on the tampon box in the middle of a busy Walmart? [grumbling as he started rolling the cart toward the sales associate juggling boxes of candy canes] I'm sure you'll have coupons for me too.
Awwww! He knows me so well.
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