Today in Queen Bess's Life

Portrait of Elizabeth c1560
Artist Unknown

On this day in 1559, Elizabeth responded to Parliament's request that she marry.  It was the first of Parliament's delegations that she marry.  Her response was measured and finely crafted.  In fact, she suggests that it is God that does not want her to marry and that it has nothing to do with her own desires.  That if God wanted her to marry, he would incline her heart toward a man she should marry.  Ever proper, she ends her speech very politely:

"And here I end, and take your coming unto me in good part, and give unto all eftsoons my hearty thanks, more yet for your zeal and good meaning than for your petition."

The speech can be read in its entirety here. 

Spinster's modern spin:

I know that your codpieces are all in a twirl.  What can I say?  God has not yet provided me with a man that can keep up with me.  Seriously, I speak five languages, am an accomplished writer and horsewoman, escaped execution by my own sister, and became the friggin' Queen of England!  Who do you think can possibly live up to that?

Go home and worry about your own shit, I've got things to do.

Peace,
Queen Lizzilicious

Because I cannot find the date of Elizabeth's response to Parliament's second entreaty to marry in 1566, I will include it here as this speech is the one that receives more attention -- likely for the change in tone and the solid tongue lashing that it is unleashed upon the Members.


She begins by illustrating the success and productivity of her rule:

"Was I not born in the realm? Were my parents born in any foreign country? Is not my kingdom here? Whom have I oppressed? Whom have I enriched to other's harm? What turmoil have I made in this commonwealth that I should be suspected to have no regard to the same? How have I governed since my reign? I will be tried by envy itself. I need not to use many words, for my deeds do try me."

Throughout the speech she addresses the convenience of getting married.  For her, there hasn't been a good time as her life has been surrounded by danger.  Because her life is intertwined with the lives of her subjects, it would be irresponsible for her to marry at a time that is inconvenient.  How can they argue when she has been delaying marriage for the good of her people?  Very clever woman, indeed.

In closing, she summarizes her position:

"'Your petition is to deal in the limitation of the succession. At this present it is not convenient, nor never shall be without some peril unto you, and certain danger unto me. But as soon as there may be a convenient time and that it may be done with least peril unto you, although never without great danger unto me, I will deal therein for your safety and offer it unto you as your prince and head without requests. For it is monstrous that the feet should direct the head."

Spinster's modern spin:

Honourable Sirs and Stuff,

Didn't we talk about this, oh seven years ago or something?  I was nice last time, but you obviously didn't get the point because, like a bunch of nagging old women, you can't let this whole, "Let's get Liz married to a nice guy" thing. 

Seriously, I've been busy -- or haven't you noticed?  I inherited an impoverished country, a kingdom in debt, and subjects that were at war with each other simply over what is the right way to worship God.  When was I going to have the time to get married, much less get pregnant and give birth to a rug rat? 

No disrespect to my father, but he married any warm body with mommy parts in the vain attempt to get himself an heir -- how did that work for him?  What do you want me to do?  Find any guy who has a penis and some sperm so you can all feel secure that there's not going to be a war when I die? 

Screw that.  I'm the friggin' QUEEN.  I'll marry if I want and when I want.

I've got things to do.

Peace,

Q. L.