EER Rant Chapter 2: Facebook Is Not Email

The topic of Facebook could be its own rant in my world because I despise the forum.  However, I want to address the idea that people think it is the only way to communicate with the world.

How many times have you been at a social gathering or talking with a friend and they've responded to your surprise at a piece of news with, "I posted it on Facebook."?  What.Ever.  OMG!  LOL!  UCBS!

I get it.  I am a luddite because I hate Facebook.  Why?  Because it's marketed as "Social Networking" when it's actually a money maker for Mark Zuckerberg and his shareholders.  It's the effing Gap of the internet and we all have to have a page!  According to DMR Digital Marketing Ramblings, there are 1.11 billion users on Facebook.  The current world population clock says there are 7,122,243,721 people in the world at the moment I wrote this.  Only 15% of the world is on Facebook!  I am not a rebel because I do not want anything to do with Facebook.  I am, simply, like the majority (85%) of the world!

If you want me to know something -- email me (and don't mark that communication urgent) or call me!  I know you have a lot of things to do and don't have time to call everyone who should know that your kid graduated from kindergarten.  Hate to break it to you ... Not all of the 750 Facebook Friends you have give a shit (probably only 15% -- 112.5 of your friends -- care).  I might actually give a shit -- that's why you should contact me personally and not rely on me to stalk you through Facebook.  I don't have the interest nor the time.

Seriously.  If I am going to waste my time doing internet stalking it will be spent on searches like:

• Aaron Rodgers Girlfriend
• Aaron Rodgers Statistics
• Aaron Rodgers on Brett Favre
• Clay Matthews vs Brian Urlacher
• How to cure constipation in my cat

These are the things that are at the forefront of my mind and they are more entertaining and time consuming than catching up with your being at Starbucks enjoying a Very Berry Hibiscus Refresher.  It does sound good, but I don't care.  Do you care that I'm having gas from the cole slaw I ate last night?

I am notorious for going to bed very early.  When you are incessantly surly, you use a lot of energy and need to go to bed early after you've had your 4:00pm early bird dinner special.  RBF had a choice when she learned she was pregnant.  She could post it on Facebook and risk my running into a mutual friend who would blurt the news to me because I hadn't looked or she could CALL ME at 11:30pm (when I'd been asleep for two hours).  She called me.  She made the correct choice.  When I got up the next morning, I proceeded to order baby Packer fan clothing and I was not pissed off that she'd told the world before she told me.

Want to make someone feel special?  Tell them something before you post it on Facebook.

Should Facebook be the only way you get your information about the the people you love?

My Subconscious Is Just Laughing At Me Now...

A few months ago, I reported that my subconscious is broken because, when I had a dream about my celebrity crush, Aaron Rodgers, the most 'action' I got was holding hands.  I will again submit that I still do not have any naughty thoughts during my waking hours.  However, this time, my sleep was induced by the magical muscle relaxer my doctor prescribed for my back.  I'm off all of the other prescriptions except for that tiny little piece of heaven that has made sleep possible and ... dreams a little more vibrant.

So one would think that, finally, I could have some fun...  Not at all.  In fact, my dreams told me, "You don't have a snowball's chance, baby."  Lookit Aaron here... It's like he's saying, "Go for it Spinster!  Let loose!"

No such luck.

My Subconscious is Broken

Or, at the very least, has let me down.

The other night I had a dream about this man:

This is #12 of the Green Bay Packers.  Aaron Rodgers -- Quarterback, Superbowl XLV MVP, NFL 2011 MVP.  He is what I would define as a 'Cougar Snack' for those of us of a certain age.  And not just because he's handsome.  He's also very smart, articulate, and humble.  On top of it -- he's kind to children and animals.  He's the whole package.

In fact, he's on my 'Freebie List' with Mr. Man.  Mr. Man is in no way threatened by this.  He's smart enough to not say, "Well, you wouldn't have a chance."  He also knows that all I would want to do is make #12 Mac'n'Cheese and just watch how many bowls he could eat.  That's not even a euphemism for something kinky.  It's honest to goodness boiling of pasta and covering it with cheese.  Think about how many calories this guy must expend on the football field!  He must be able to pack it away!

My unconventional view of what I would do should I actually meet my "crush" is also fueled by two important factors: