Showing posts with label EER. Show all posts
Showing posts with label EER. Show all posts

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

EER Rant Chapter 7: How to Use Subject Lines

When our elementary school teachers started us on writing essays or book reports, one of the most important elements we learned about was the title.  The title is meant to tell the reader what your essay is about.  From the emails I receive, I am wondering if there was a shortage of red pencils everywhere else in the country because these subject lines (or titles) suck.  I can only think that they were never taught how to write a proper title and that is why their subject lines tend to appear as if they were written by illiterates.

Subject line abuse has so many different forms, I decided to make a list for this post.

1.  No subject line.  What more do I need to say?  The only thing I can think of is that this is actually a strategy.  The sender thinks the recipient will receive the subject line-less email and think, "Oooh!  A surprise problem!  It's just like Let's Make a Deal!  I'm going to open that one first!"  Guess what?  If you didn't take the time to think of a couple of words that describe the content of the email, I can't see why I'm going to look at it first.

2.  Entire message is in the subject line.  Yeah...  And I'm not saying just a two word message.  I've received emails that have two or three sentence subject lines with no body.  Wtf?  First, it's messy to read.  Second, it makes that email three or four lines high in my inbox which pushes other conversations out of my sight.  This is not a text message.  It's an email.  Act like you've used email before.

3.  The subject is in all caps.  Isn't the most basic of all email etiquette knowledge?  ALL CAPS MEANS YOU'RE SHOUTING AT ME.  Because you are not walking behind me in the hallway and need to get my attention before I go into another room, you don't need to effing yell at me.  I brought this issue up to the supervisor of a person who always sent her emails that way.  He made the excuse, "Well, she has her caps lock on for another program she uses a lot.  I'm sure that's why she does it."  I responded with, "Then why isn't the body of her email in caps?"  He didn't have an answer.  He also hasn't corrected her.  I guess he doesn't care how she's representing his company.

4.  The subject is 'Question'.  This is only minimally better than no subject line.  If you are in business and writing someone an email, it's unlikely you are writing to say, "I just wanted to tell you that you're awesome." You have a question or a need.  I don't believe you aren't creative.  I just think you're lazy.  That's not fair, the lazier person just uses the question mark.

5.  The subject line says "call me".  Uhm.  This is sorta like #2.  I decided to give it's own listing because it's a combo of #2 on this list and the "Urgent" flag.  You need to talk with me.  How is it you cannot pick up the phone?  If you are afraid you are interrupting a meeting, you needn't worry!  I won't pick up the phone!

I'm not asking for the first sentence of a great novel.  I don't need to be intrigued by what is within the email.  I just need to have an idea before I open it up.  That's all.  Not much to ask.

What kinds of subject line irritations do you experience?

Monday, June 17, 2013

EER Rant Chapter 6: Respect the Out of Office Message

I am a huge fan of the Out of Office Message.  When I send an email with an issue which requires a timely (not immediate -- because that's what phone calls are for) response and I receive a message letting me know that the person is out and how long they are going to be out, I can decide how I want to proceed.  If I cannot wait until they are back, I go to another person who might be able to help and I send a note to the original recipient that says, "Hey.  This is taken care of."  That way, they have one less thing on their desk when they return to work.

I know a few people, however, who seem to think the "Out of Office" message is either a dare or an invitation to, "Please fill up my inbox while I am away.  While I am out, I am dreaming of dealing with all of your issues when I return."  I'm not trying to diminish any concerns the senders might have.  It's just that these particular correspondents seem to think, "Ooh.  Everyone else is going to leave her alone.  So, if I fill up her inbox, she will be working on my stuff as soon as she returns."

When I had that surgery back in February, I called one of my clients and told him that I was going to have to cancel an appointment we had because I was going to have emergency surgery and then would be taking time off to recuperate.  The "Out of Office" message I set up said simply that I was out of the office until X date because I didn't feel like telling the world that I had surgery.  That client sent me three emails a day for a week -- even the weekends.

After twenty one emails, he emailed to ask, "Have you been getting my emails?"

Because of the heavy dose of Oxycodone, it took me an hour to craft the following:

Dear Dumbfuck,
I have been getting your emails.  In fact, they are pissing me off because you know I had surgery.  "Recovering" from surgery doesn't mean answering your emails all day.  I can hardly figure out how to send an email because of these splendid drugs which are, by the way, the reason I haven't called you to tell you off.
Because of you, I will need to resume drinking in order to cope after I run out of my oxy.
XOXO
Surly Spinster

Because I follow the rule of not sending off emails when I am in angry, I discarded the message when I was done.  Well... I hit "print" and then discarded the message.  It's hanging on my office door because I just might snail mail it to him one day if I get another job.

Here's the point...  You may think the "Out of Office" message means the person is taking a lovely vacation in a tropical place which means they will be so re-energized when they return that they are going to be able to plow through your requests in record time.  Stop to think before you freak out and load them up.  Maybe they are sick, maybe someone in their family is sick, maybe someone has passed away.  In short, don't be a dick.  Oh, and even if they are on vacay, they are not looking forward to your marathon of missives when they return.

What do you think?  Is it okay to fill up someone's inbox when you know they are gone?  Unless, of course, you hate them.

Sunday, June 16, 2013

EER Rant Chapter 5: Do Not Write An Email When You Are Angry Or In a Rush

One of my favorite pieces of wisdom is:
Say it and forget it, write it and regret it.
I heard it on the People's Court one day.  I don't know if the credit should go to Judge Marilyn Milian or if it's from somewhere else.  The case was about the defendant owing the plaintiff money and the defendant claiming that the money was a gift -- like the majority of cases on the show.  The plaintiff, however, had texts from the defendant that said the defendant was going to pay her back.  Done.  Case closed.  The defendant tried to claim that wasn't evidence.  The judge disagreed because the texts came from her phone and the defendant admitted to writing them.  That was when the judge said the above.

What does that mean in the email world?  It means the same thing.  If you do not want anyone else seeing what you have written, do not write it.  If you write something that is nasty, threatening, shows your incompetence or can be construed to do so -- you could live to regret it.

How does this apply to etiquette?  Simply, don't be rude or thoughtless -- be a professional.  I am blown away by what has been coming through my inbox in terms of this very issue.  I've been thinking to myself far too often in the past few weeks, "Did you really want to put that in writing?"  Really?  The answer is likely, "No."  They did it anyhow -- probably because, at the time, they were angry or in a rush.

You have no business writing or responding to emails when you are angry or in a rush.  Well, no one can dictate that you have no business -- it's just a terrible, terrible idea.  When you send on an email that was formulated in an angry moment, a hurried rush, or worst of all an angry hurried rush, the recipient might get hurt feelings, be insulted, or get angry.  You, on the other hand, can come off as incompetent, bitter, and just plain unprofessional.  The worst part?  You have just put a loaded gun in the recipient's hand.  Depending on just how intense the feeling created by your email, they could just hit "Forward" and type in your boss's email address.  It won't go well for you after that.

Last month, I received an email that drove me wild.  It came from a student intern at a client organization I work with.  My main contact and I were trying to resolve an issue.  We copied her on our email thread mostly as a courtesy.  She hopped into the conversation and, in not so many words, told us both we didn't know what we were talking about.  She didn't just suggest, she told us that we were old fashioned and needed to be looking at the situation in a more modern way.  On top of it, she made mention of a conversation that I'd had with another intern.  That conversation wasn't part of the email discussion and the intern hadn't understood the conversation and had admitted as much to me.  At least she was smart enough not to put that in writing.

They very worst part of the email was that all of the intern's comments were about a completely different issue and did not pertain in any way to the conversation in the email.  I happened to be on site when I received the email.  I went to the office of the person who I'd been corresponding with and, when I appeared in his office door with my jaw hanging open, he looked up at me and chuckled, "I know.  I couldn't believe it either."

I went back to my work area and wrote a sizzling response to the young lady.  One that would probably make me cry if I received it.  I then clicked, "Discard" and sat back in my chair.  I felt better and I didn't lower myself to her level.  After that, I had a conversation with her direct supervisor (who she had decided to copy on the email).  He was embarrassed and apologized to me as a business partner.  I accepted that, but suggested this would be a good learning moment for the young lady and she should be required to send an apology email to the both of us.  He squirmed at that because, "She was just upset and tired from finals."

I then asked him if it was okay if I had a conversation with her then, telling her just what was wrong with her email and that, if she were in a different environment in a paid position, it could mean job termination.  He accepted that option -- probably because that meant he wouldn't have to have the confrontation of telling her that she needed to apologize.

Later that day, I sat down with the young lady.  She knew what the conversation was going to be about and had already prepared her excuses about fatigue, stress from finals, not reading clearly enough, etc.  I let her get about ten seconds in when I stopped her and laid out for her that none of that mattered.  She was still required to be a professional.  Her email was insulting on many levels -- most especially the point she made about our lack of understanding of the issue when, combined, myself and the other person have 60 years of experience.  "That's three times longer than you've been alive," I pointed out.

By the end of our conversation, she was apologetic and even thankful because she saw my point.  She shared with me that she had gotten into the habit of writing such emails during this internship and she thought it was okay because no one had said anything to her.  Of course they hadn't -- no one there is as crabby as I am.

Remember you have to work with people.  Think before you put things in writing.

Have you ever received an email that has made your jaw drop?

Saturday, June 15, 2013

EER Rant Chapter 4: Read the Emails I Send You

Seriously.  I don't write emails for my health.  The purpose of my email is to convey information that you have requested or that I know you are going to need.  That doesn't mean I never want to talk to you or that I am unwilling to answer any questions about the information within emails that I've sent.  What it means, however, is that, if you aren't going to call me and ask me questions, you will follow the directions I have sent you.

Why?  If you are a client, you have indicated that you want to do business and so it is inferred that you also want to make money.  If you are a coworker, you are working on a project with me that is designed to make money.  When you are doing something that you've never done before, you can't just make up the rules because you will either lose money for yourself, for my company, or both.

Just last week, I received an email from a client that contained the following:
When we sent our items, we did not follow the return process exactly as it was laid out for us in the email...What I was wondering is, would this be a problem that may need to be dealt with?

The answer?  Yes it is a problem that needs to be dealt with.  In fact, it's an extremely big issue now.

I responded immediately with what needed to happen if there was any chance of fixing it and I indicated the level of time sensitivity.

It's been a week since I sent that reply and he's not provided the required information.

I will hear from him in the next few days.  He won't have the information.  He will want me to fix it even though I am no longer able to fix the situation.  I will have to answer the email -- will he read it this time?

At least he didn't use the Urgent flag.

Friday, June 14, 2013

EER Rant Chapter 3: Use Your Address Book

This topic is mostly inspired by a misuse of subject lines, but I thought it deserved its very own post.  This is a rare ettiquette violation because most people are not this lazy... But, because there are a couple of people in my email world who really are this lazy, I thought I'd articulate a bit because I feel like I actually conquered this bad habit.

I have a client who didn't want to add my name to address book because clicking on the option, "Add sender to address book" was too daunting.  Instead, he'd search through his prolific inbox (he doesn't delete anything and is usually in trouble with his email admin) for a previous email from me and then hit "reply" and start a whole new conversation.

Drove me out of my gourd:  I thought the issue was resolved, is it a problem again?

It happened enough that I finally started leaving those messages unopened until he emailed again asking if I'd addressed the issue.  Then I responded with, "Oh.  I didn't even look at the email because I thought it was a closed issue."  After five rounds of that, the dipshit added me to his address book.

I was recently involved in a long email conversation with a friend.  I think there were more than twenty emails in the thread.  Then there was something that she wanted to make sure I didn't pass over in our casual conversation, so she started a different thread with a different subject line.  I was delighted!  A kindred spirit.  That's EXACTLY how email needs to be used.  And you know who you are!

There is one exception to this rule:  Do not put me in your address book if you use Yahoo Mail.  Every single person that I correspond with that uses Yahoo Mail has sent me spam/virus mail.  Every single one.  On a quarterly basis.  I have sent important business emails to the same Yahoo mail users that have ended up in their spam mail despite the fact that I am in their address book.

I know you love yahoo.com because it was one of the firsts and everyone in your world has that email address.  Hard Truth:  They are making money off you even though they gave you a free email.  They may protect you from spam email, but they do not protect the people you correspond with.

Your friends, however, think you need to go to gmail.com.  Just like Facebook and Yahoo, Google is making money off you when you sign up for a free email address.  Difference is that they've never pretended that they aren't making money.  Google is upfront about the fact they want to change the face of the world while making a whole bunch of money.  Just do it.  www.gmail.com.

Thursday, June 13, 2013

EER Rant Chapter 2: Facebook Is Not Email

The topic of Facebook could be its own rant in my world because I despise the forum.  However, I want to address the idea that people think it is the only way to communicate with the world.

How many times have you been at a social gathering or talking with a friend and they've responded to your surprise at a piece of news with, "I posted it on Facebook."?  What.Ever.  OMG!  LOL!  UCBS!

I get it.  I am a luddite because I hate Facebook.  Why?  Because it's marketed as "Social Networking" when it's actually a money maker for Mark Zuckerberg and his shareholders.  It's the effing Gap of the internet and we all have to have a page!  According to DMR Digital Marketing Ramblings, there are 1.11 billion users on Facebook.  The current world population clock says there are 7,122,243,721 people in the world at the moment I wrote this.  Only 15% of the world is on Facebook!  I am not a rebel because I do not want anything to do with Facebook.  I am, simply, like the majority (85%) of the world!

If you want me to know something -- email me (and don't mark that communication urgent) or call me!  I know you have a lot of things to do and don't have time to call everyone who should know that your kid graduated from kindergarten.  Hate to break it to you ... Not all of the 750 Facebook Friends you have give a shit (probably only 15% -- 112.5 of your friends -- care).  I might actually give a shit -- that's why you should contact me personally and not rely on me to stalk you through Facebook.  I don't have the interest nor the time.

Seriously.  If I am going to waste my time doing internet stalking it will be spent on searches like:


These are the things that are at the forefront of my mind and they are more entertaining and time consuming than catching up with your being at Starbucks enjoying a Very Berry Hibiscus Refresher.  It does sound good, but I don't care.  Do you care that I'm having gas from the cole slaw I ate last night?

I am notorious for going to bed very early.  When you are incessantly surly, you use a lot of energy and need to go to bed early after you've had your 4:00pm early bird dinner special.  RBF had a choice when she learned she was pregnant.  She could post it on Facebook and risk my running into a mutual friend who would blurt the news to me because I hadn't looked or she could CALL ME at 11:30pm (when I'd been asleep for two hours).  She called me.  She made the correct choice.  When I got up the next morning, I proceeded to order baby Packer fan clothing and I was not pissed off that she'd told the world before she told me.

Want to make someone feel special?  Tell them something before you post it on Facebook.

Should Facebook be the only way you get your information about the the people you love?

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

EER Rant Chapter 1: The "Urgent" Flag

Because this was the straw that broke the spinster's back, I thought I'd start here.

According to thefreedictionary.com, "urgent" is defined as:
1.  Compelling immediate action or attention; pressing.
2.  Insistent or importunate
3.  Conveying a sense of pressing importance.
"Urgent Email" is an oxymoron to me.  How in the world can email possibly be urgent?  It is sent to someone's email account which means that they have to be sitting in front of their computer or have their smart phone in front of their face to be able to see it immediately.  The person you sent that email to could be in an all day meeting, out sick for the day, or taking a potty break.  Technology also plays a role.  I know, I know -- technology never fails.  Whatever.  What happens if the admin just put a new spam buster on their server and your domain gets you dumped to a junk mail box that the person doesn't look at regularly?  What if your company's server goes down?

I realize that you are more important that any other person on the planet.  I am constantly looking at my inbox for messages from you.  Get over yourself.  You are definitely the idiot at the grocery store who sees that every register has a long line so you go to a lane where there is no cashier because, obviously, the store is going to send someone scurrying over to you to take care of your needs -- the rest of us sheep that took a place in line are completely stupid and unimportant.

Here is an honest truth:  No one wants to open your "Urgent" email.  Why?  Because it contains either a problem or a threat of loss of business unless you are paid attention to RIGHT NOW.  You know what else?  Your urgent emails are never about shit that I've done wrong, but about shit that you have fucked up and need me to fix.  Why does being a fuck up mean you get to be at the front of the line?  Hey, I want to and am going to help you, but get over the idea that your fuck up is anywhere more imperative than the dope who politely asked me.

When someone has something urgent, they call 911.  They do not email 911, the police, ambulance, rescue, etc.  If this is really that urgent, you need to PICK UP THE PHONE.  I know your fingers aren't broken because you typed the email message.  The fact that you emailed rather than called also signals to me that you know that you are not going to die, your business is not going to go bankrupt, or a plague of locusts is not going to visit your firstborn if I do not answer your email before all of the other ones that are in my inbox.

You know when an urgent email is appropriate?  If you work for some branch of the government such as the  DoD, Homeland Security, the Secret Service, the CIA, the FBI, or any other organization that is working with secrets and bombs and the message is:  There is a nuclear weapon headed for us RIGHT NOW.

In my opinion, the Urgent Flag should never appear on an email.  I think the sender should have the option to  mark something as urgent so they can get the following set of questions:

  1. Are you dying?
  2. Did you fuck up?
  3. Did even your teachers roll their eyes because you raised your hand to answer every question?
  4. Have you ever lined up two hours before Santa was to arrive at the mall?

If you answer "yes" to one or more of the questions, PICK UP THE PHONE.  This email will not be sent with an exclamation mark in front of it because it is more important that you talk with someone (preferably a therapist) about your over-inflated sense of self.  Trying to apply the "urgent" flag will result in a copy of the story The Boy Who Cried Wolf to be emailed to you on a daily basis until you pass the reading comprehension quiz that goes with the story.

Sound off.  Does the "Urgent" email flag set you off?

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Email Ettiquette Rants -- Introduction

I've been absent for a long time.  Much of that is due to virtual burnout.  What I mean by that is that my virtual life has been burning me to the ground in terms of my work email inbox.  Over the past month, I have received and sent more than 750 emails.  That's just what I can estimate from looking at my Inbox and my Sent Mail.  There are a ton more emails that I have deleted.  500 of those emails were received in a twelve day period.  My therapist validated that was stressful.  As she put it, "Everyone wanted a piece of you."

Yeah ... And not a fun piece if you know what I mean.

That doesn't lend well to opening up anything email/internet related without regarding it as work or as a "problem" that needs resolution.

This morning almost tipped me over the edge.  I received an "Urgent" email at 8am that said, "Have you looked this over yet?"  Uhm.  The answer was, "Fuck no.  I did not look it over because you fucking sent it at 7pm on Friday.  I have other shit to do on my weekend."  The email was sent by a client and the situation was not urgent.  Hmmmm....