EER Rant Chapter 4: Read the Emails I Send You

Seriously.  I don't write emails for my health.  The purpose of my email is to convey information that you have requested or that I know you are going to need.  That doesn't mean I never want to talk to you or that I am unwilling to answer any questions about the information within emails that I've sent.  What it means, however, is that, if you aren't going to call me and ask me questions, you will follow the directions I have sent you.

Why?  If you are a client, you have indicated that you want to do business and so it is inferred that you also want to make money.  If you are a coworker, you are working on a project with me that is designed to make money.  When you are doing something that you've never done before, you can't just make up the rules because you will either lose money for yourself, for my company, or both.

Just last week, I received an email from a client that contained the following:

When we sent our items, we did not follow the return process exactly as it was laid out for us in the email...What I was wondering is, would this be a problem that may need to be dealt with?

The answer?  Yes it is a problem that needs to be dealt with.  In fact, it's an extremely big issue now.

I responded immediately with what needed to happen if there was any chance of fixing it and I indicated the level of time sensitivity.

It's been a week since I sent that reply and he's not provided the required information.

I will hear from him in the next few days.  He won't have the information.  He will want me to fix it even though I am no longer able to fix the situation.  I will have to answer the email -- will he read it this time?

At least he didn't use the Urgent flag.

EER Rant Chapter 3: Use Your Address Book

This topic is mostly inspired by a misuse of subject lines, but I thought it deserved its very own post.  This is a rare ettiquette violation because most people are not this lazy... But, because there are a couple of people in my email world who really are this lazy, I thought I'd articulate a bit because I feel like I actually conquered this bad habit.

I have a client who didn't want to add my name to address book because clicking on the option, "Add sender to address book" was too daunting.  Instead, he'd search through his prolific inbox (he doesn't delete anything and is usually in trouble with his email admin) for a previous email from me and then hit "reply" and start a whole new conversation.

Drove me out of my gourd:  I thought the issue was resolved, is it a problem again?

It happened enough that I finally started leaving those messages unopened until he emailed again asking if I'd addressed the issue.  Then I responded with, "Oh.  I didn't even look at the email because I thought it was a closed issue."  After five rounds of that, the dipshit added me to his address book.

I was recently involved in a long email conversation with a friend.  I think there were more than twenty emails in the thread.  Then there was something that she wanted to make sure I didn't pass over in our casual conversation, so she started a different thread with a different subject line.  I was delighted!  A kindred spirit.  That's EXACTLY how email needs to be used.  And you know who you are!

There is one exception to this rule:  Do not put me in your address book if you use Yahoo Mail.  Every single person that I correspond with that uses Yahoo Mail has sent me spam/virus mail.  Every single one.  On a quarterly basis.  I have sent important business emails to the same Yahoo mail users that have ended up in their spam mail despite the fact that I am in their address book.

I know you love yahoo.com because it was one of the firsts and everyone in your world has that email address.  Hard Truth:  They are making money off you even though they gave you a free email.  They may protect you from spam email, but they do not protect the people you correspond with.

Your friends, however, think you need to go to gmail.com.  Just like Facebook and Yahoo, Google is making money off you when you sign up for a free email address.  Difference is that they've never pretended that they aren't making money.  Google is upfront about the fact they want to change the face of the world while making a whole bunch of money.  Just do it.  www.gmail.com.

EER Rant Chapter 2: Facebook Is Not Email

The topic of Facebook could be its own rant in my world because I despise the forum.  However, I want to address the idea that people think it is the only way to communicate with the world.

How many times have you been at a social gathering or talking with a friend and they've responded to your surprise at a piece of news with, "I posted it on Facebook."?  What.Ever.  OMG!  LOL!  UCBS!

I get it.  I am a luddite because I hate Facebook.  Why?  Because it's marketed as "Social Networking" when it's actually a money maker for Mark Zuckerberg and his shareholders.  It's the effing Gap of the internet and we all have to have a page!  According to DMR Digital Marketing Ramblings, there are 1.11 billion users on Facebook.  The current world population clock says there are 7,122,243,721 people in the world at the moment I wrote this.  Only 15% of the world is on Facebook!  I am not a rebel because I do not want anything to do with Facebook.  I am, simply, like the majority (85%) of the world!

If you want me to know something -- email me (and don't mark that communication urgent) or call me!  I know you have a lot of things to do and don't have time to call everyone who should know that your kid graduated from kindergarten.  Hate to break it to you ... Not all of the 750 Facebook Friends you have give a shit (probably only 15% -- 112.5 of your friends -- care).  I might actually give a shit -- that's why you should contact me personally and not rely on me to stalk you through Facebook.  I don't have the interest nor the time.

Seriously.  If I am going to waste my time doing internet stalking it will be spent on searches like:

• Aaron Rodgers Girlfriend
• Aaron Rodgers Statistics
• Aaron Rodgers on Brett Favre
• Clay Matthews vs Brian Urlacher
• How to cure constipation in my cat

These are the things that are at the forefront of my mind and they are more entertaining and time consuming than catching up with your being at Starbucks enjoying a Very Berry Hibiscus Refresher.  It does sound good, but I don't care.  Do you care that I'm having gas from the cole slaw I ate last night?

I am notorious for going to bed very early.  When you are incessantly surly, you use a lot of energy and need to go to bed early after you've had your 4:00pm early bird dinner special.  RBF had a choice when she learned she was pregnant.  She could post it on Facebook and risk my running into a mutual friend who would blurt the news to me because I hadn't looked or she could CALL ME at 11:30pm (when I'd been asleep for two hours).  She called me.  She made the correct choice.  When I got up the next morning, I proceeded to order baby Packer fan clothing and I was not pissed off that she'd told the world before she told me.

Want to make someone feel special?  Tell them something before you post it on Facebook.

Should Facebook be the only way you get your information about the the people you love?

EER Rant Chapter 1: The "Urgent" Flag

Because this was the straw that broke the spinster's back, I thought I'd start here.

According to thefreedictionary.com, "urgent" is defined as:

1.  Compelling immediate action or attention; pressing.
2.  Insistent or importunate
3.  Conveying a sense of pressing importance.

"Urgent Email" is an oxymoron to me.  How in the world can email possibly be urgent?  It is sent to someone's email account which means that they have to be sitting in front of their computer or have their smart phone in front of their face to be able to see it immediately.  The person you sent that email to could be in an all day meeting, out sick for the day, or taking a potty break.  Technology also plays a role.  I know, I know -- technology never fails.  Whatever.  What happens if the admin just put a new spam buster on their server and your domain gets you dumped to a junk mail box that the person doesn't look at regularly?  What if your company's server goes down?

I realize that you are more important that any other person on the planet.  I am constantly looking at my inbox for messages from you.  Get over yourself.  You are definitely the idiot at the grocery store who sees that every register has a long line so you go to a lane where there is no cashier because, obviously, the store is going to send someone scurrying over to you to take care of your needs -- the rest of us sheep that took a place in line are completely stupid and unimportant.

Here is an honest truth:  No one wants to open your "Urgent" email.  Why?  Because it contains either a problem or a threat of loss of business unless you are paid attention to RIGHT NOW.  You know what else?  Your urgent emails are never about shit that I've done wrong, but about shit that you have fucked up and need me to fix.  Why does being a fuck up mean you get to be at the front of the line?  Hey, I want to and am going to help you, but get over the idea that your fuck up is anywhere more imperative than the dope who politely asked me.

When someone has something urgent, they call 911.  They do not email 911, the police, ambulance, rescue, etc.  If this is really that urgent, you need to PICK UP THE PHONE.  I know your fingers aren't broken because you typed the email message.  The fact that you emailed rather than called also signals to me that you know that you are not going to die, your business is not going to go bankrupt, or a plague of locusts is not going to visit your firstborn if I do not answer your email before all of the other ones that are in my inbox.

You know when an urgent email is appropriate?  If you work for some branch of the government such as the  DoD, Homeland Security, the Secret Service, the CIA, the FBI, or any other organization that is working with secrets and bombs and the message is:  There is a nuclear weapon headed for us RIGHT NOW.

In my opinion, the Urgent Flag should never appear on an email.  I think the sender should have the option to  mark something as urgent so they can get the following set of questions:

1. Are you dying?
2. Did you fuck up?
3. Did even your teachers roll their eyes because you raised your hand to answer every question?
4. Have you ever lined up two hours before Santa was to arrive at the mall?

If you answer "yes" to one or more of the questions, PICK UP THE PHONE.  This email will not be sent with an exclamation mark in front of it because it is more important that you talk with someone (preferably a therapist) about your over-inflated sense of self.  Trying to apply the "urgent" flag will result in a copy of the story The Boy Who Cried Wolf to be emailed to you on a daily basis until you pass the reading comprehension quiz that goes with the story.

Sound off.  Does the "Urgent" email flag set you off?

Email Ettiquette Rants -- Introduction

I've been absent for a long time.  Much of that is due to virtual burnout.  What I mean by that is that my virtual life has been burning me to the ground in terms of my work email inbox.  Over the past month, I have received and sent more than 750 emails.  That's just what I can estimate from looking at my Inbox and my Sent Mail.  There are a ton more emails that I have deleted.  500 of those emails were received in a twelve day period.  My therapist validated that was stressful.  As she put it, "Everyone wanted a piece of you."

Yeah ... And not a fun piece if you know what I mean.

That doesn't lend well to opening up anything email/internet related without regarding it as work or as a "problem" that needs resolution.

This morning almost tipped me over the edge.  I received an "Urgent" email at 8am that said, "Have you looked this over yet?"  Uhm.  The answer was, "Fuck no.  I did not look it over because you fucking sent it at 7pm on Friday.  I have other shit to do on my weekend."  The email was sent by a client and the situation was not urgent.  Hmmmm....