Famous Spinster Birthday -- Queen Christina of Sweden

"As you know, no one over thirty years of age is afraid of tittle-tattle. I myself find it much less difficult to strangle a man than to fear him."  -- Queen Christina of Sweden

Born:  December 18, 1626
Died:  April 19, 1689

Famous Spinster Birthday -- Jane Austen

"A lady's imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment."  -- Jane Austen

Born:  December 16, 1775
Died:  July 18, 1817

Famous Spinster Birthday -- Emily Dickinson

"If I can stop one heart from breaking, I shall not have lived in vain."  -- Emily Dickinson

Born:  December 10, 1830
Died:  May 15, 1886

Famous Spinster Birthday -- Tyra Banks

"My mom never taught me to be waiting for some prince on a white horse to swipe me off my feet."  -- Tyra Banks

Born:  December 4, 1973

Today in Queen Bess's Life

Today marks the anniversary of Elizabeth's famous Golden Speech delivered to the Members of the House of Commons in 1601.  It was to be the last time that she would ever address members of Parliament.

From the speech:

"It is not my desire to live or reign longer than my life and reign shall be for your good. And though you have had, and may have, many mightier and wiser princes sitting in this seat, yet you never had, nor shall have, any that will love you better."

Famous Spinster Birthday -- Louisa May Alcott

"It takes two flints to make a fire."  -- Louisa May Alcott

Born:  November 29, 1832
Died:  March 6, 1888

Famous Spinster Birthday -- Dr. Condoleeza Rice

"I believe in a marriage of equals, that's how my parents were, and that's how I would see it."  -- Condoleeza Rice

Born:  November 14, 1954

Today in Queen Bess's Life

Edward VI by Hans Holbein

In 1537, Elizabeth becomes a big sister to Edward -- the child of her father and his third wife, Jane Seymour.  His birth was a source of much joy and relief for his father, his Advisors, and the English people.  I'm going to bet that his mother was the most joyous and relieved since the two wives previous didn't fare well when they were unable to provide a male heir.

Alas, the Queen's joy was short-lived when she died ten days after the birth of her son due to post-natal complications.

A little over nine years later (and three more wives), Henry would die and his son would succeed him as King.

Today in Queen Bess's Life

"I do not want a husband who honours me as a queen, if he does not love me as a woman."

"I would rather be a beggar and single than a queen and married."
-- Queen Elizabeth I

Born:  September 7, 1533
Died:  March 24, 1603

(she gets two quotes because she is my Ultimate Spinster of All Time)

Famous Spinster Birthday -- Cameron Diaz

"I don't believe you should make fun of anyone but yourself."  -- Cameron Diaz

Born:  August 30, 1972

Famous Spinster Birthday -- Mother Teresa

"Spread love everywhere you go.  Let no one ever come to you without leaving happier."  -- Mother Teresa

Born:  August 26, 1910
Died:  September 5, 1997

(Out of respect for Mother Teresa's beliefs, I acknowledge that she was, indeed, married.  However, I think she really, really rocks so I am using the secular definition of marriage.)

Famous Spinster Birthday -- Coco Chanel

"I never wanted to weigh more heavily on a man than a bird."  -- Coco Chanel

Born:  August 19, 1883
Died:  January 10, 1971

Today in Queen Bess's Life

Today marks the anniversary of the Queen's speech to the troops at Tilbury after the defeat of the Spanish Armada ten days earlier in 1588.

There are different accounts of the speech.  The one I like the best:

"My loving people

We have been persuaded by some that are careful of our safety, to take heed how we commit our selves to armed multitudes, for fear of treachery; but I assure you I do not desire to live to distrust my faithful and loving people. Let tyrants fear. I have always so behaved myself that, under God, I have placed my chiefest strength and safeguard in the loyal hearts and good-will of my subjects; and therefore I am come amongst you, as you see, at this time, not for my recreation and disport, but being resolved, in the midst and heat of the battle, to live and die amongst you all; to lay down for my God, and for my kingdom, and my people, my honour and my blood, even in the dust.

I know I have the body but of a weak and feeble woman; but I have the heart and stomach of a king, and of a king of England too, and think foul scorn that Parma or Spain, or any prince of Europe, should dare to invade the borders of my realm; to which rather than any dishonour shall grow by me, I myself will take up arms, I myself will be your general, judge, and rewarder of every one of your virtues in the field.

I know already, for your forwardness you have deserved rewards and crowns; and We do assure you in the word of a prince, they shall be duly paid you. In the mean time, my lieutenant general shall be in my stead, than whom never prince commanded a more noble or worthy subject; not doubting but by your obedience to my general, by your concord in the camp, and your valour in the field, we shall shortly have a famous victory over those enemies of my God, of my kingdom, and of my people."

Yeah, I went cheesy with the photo because it's one of my favorite scenes from the movie Elizabeth:  The Golden Age.

Famous Spinster Birthday -- Emily Bronte

"I'll walk where my own nature would be leading:  It vexes me to choose another guide."  -- Emily Bronte

Born:  July 30, 1818
Died:  December 19, 1848

Today in Queen Bess's Life

Britain's defeat of the Spanish Armada in 1588 is, perhaps, one of those events that is taught in most every Western History class as it was the moment that Britain proved its superiority on the seas.  The battle also resulted in a technological revolution that changed the face of naval battles.

The planned invasion by Spain was ordered by the Kind of Spain, Phillip II, and supported by the then Pope, Sixtus V.  Phillip was the widower of Elizabeth's older, Roman Catholic sister, Mary.  Ever since Mary's death, Phillip had challenged the legitimacy of Elizabeth's rule and called her a heretic for her Protestant beliefs.  The failed invasion had been regarded as a crusade.

Famous Spinster Birthday -- Lizzie Borden

"Oh, Mrs. Churchill, do come over, someone has killed father."  -- Lizzie Borden

Born:  July 19, 1860
Died:  June 1, 1927

EER Rant Chapter 7: How to Use Subject Lines

When our elementary school teachers started us on writing essays or book reports, one of the most important elements we learned about was the title.  The title is meant to tell the reader what your essay is about.  From the emails I receive, I am wondering if there was a shortage of red pencils everywhere else in the country because these subject lines (or titles) suck.  I can only think that they were never taught how to write a proper title and that is why their subject lines tend to appear as if they were written by illiterates.

Subject line abuse has so many different forms, I decided to make a list for this post.

1.  No subject line.  What more do I need to say?  The only thing I can think of is that this is actually a strategy.  The sender thinks the recipient will receive the subject line-less email and think, "Oooh!  A surprise problem!  It's just like Let's Make a Deal!  I'm going to open that one first!"  Guess what?  If you didn't take the time to think of a couple of words that describe the content of the email, I can't see why I'm going to look at it first.

2.  Entire message is in the subject line.  Yeah...  And I'm not saying just a two word message.  I've received emails that have two or three sentence subject lines with no body.  Wtf?  First, it's messy to read.  Second, it makes that email three or four lines high in my inbox which pushes other conversations out of my sight.  This is not a text message.  It's an email.  Act like you've used email before.

3.  The subject is in all caps.  Isn't the most basic of all email etiquette knowledge?  ALL CAPS MEANS YOU'RE SHOUTING AT ME.  Because you are not walking behind me in the hallway and need to get my attention before I go into another room, you don't need to effing yell at me.  I brought this issue up to the supervisor of a person who always sent her emails that way.  He made the excuse, "Well, she has her caps lock on for another program she uses a lot.  I'm sure that's why she does it."  I responded with, "Then why isn't the body of her email in caps?"  He didn't have an answer.  He also hasn't corrected her.  I guess he doesn't care how she's representing his company.

4.  The subject is 'Question'.  This is only minimally better than no subject line.  If you are in business and writing someone an email, it's unlikely you are writing to say, "I just wanted to tell you that you're awesome." You have a question or a need.  I don't believe you aren't creative.  I just think you're lazy.  That's not fair, the lazier person just uses the question mark.

5.  The subject line says "call me".  Uhm.  This is sorta like #2.  I decided to give it's own listing because it's a combo of #2 on this list and the "Urgent" flag.  You need to talk with me.  How is it you cannot pick up the phone?  If you are afraid you are interrupting a meeting, you needn't worry!  I won't pick up the phone!

I'm not asking for the first sentence of a great novel.  I don't need to be intrigued by what is within the email.  I just need to have an idea before I open it up.  That's all.  Not much to ask.

What kinds of subject line irritations do you experience?

EER Rant Chapter 6: Respect the Out of Office Message

I am a huge fan of the Out of Office Message.  When I send an email with an issue which requires a timely (not immediate -- because that's what phone calls are for) response and I receive a message letting me know that the person is out and how long they are going to be out, I can decide how I want to proceed.  If I cannot wait until they are back, I go to another person who might be able to help and I send a note to the original recipient that says, "Hey.  This is taken care of."  That way, they have one less thing on their desk when they return to work.

I know a few people, however, who seem to think the "Out of Office" message is either a dare or an invitation to, "Please fill up my inbox while I am away.  While I am out, I am dreaming of dealing with all of your issues when I return."  I'm not trying to diminish any concerns the senders might have.  It's just that these particular correspondents seem to think, "Ooh.  Everyone else is going to leave her alone.  So, if I fill up her inbox, she will be working on my stuff as soon as she returns."

When I had that surgery back in February, I called one of my clients and told him that I was going to have to cancel an appointment we had because I was going to have emergency surgery and then would be taking time off to recuperate.  The "Out of Office" message I set up said simply that I was out of the office until X date because I didn't feel like telling the world that I had surgery.  That client sent me three emails a day for a week -- even the weekends.

After twenty one emails, he emailed to ask, "Have you been getting my emails?"

Because of the heavy dose of Oxycodone, it took me an hour to craft the following:

Dear Dumbfuck,
I have been getting your emails.  In fact, they are pissing me off because you know I had surgery.  "Recovering" from surgery doesn't mean answering your emails all day.  I can hardly figure out how to send an email because of these splendid drugs which are, by the way, the reason I haven't called you to tell you off.

Because of you, I will need to resume drinking in order to cope after I run out of my oxy.
XOXO
Surly Spinster

Because I follow the rule of not sending off emails when I am in angry, I discarded the message when I was done.  Well... I hit "print" and then discarded the message.  It's hanging on my office door because I just might snail mail it to him one day if I get another job.

Here's the point...  You may think the "Out of Office" message means the person is taking a lovely vacation in a tropical place which means they will be so re-energized when they return that they are going to be able to plow through your requests in record time.  Stop to think before you freak out and load them up.  Maybe they are sick, maybe someone in their family is sick, maybe someone has passed away.  In short, don't be a dick.  Oh, and even if they are on vacay, they are not looking forward to your marathon of missives when they return.

What do you think?  Is it okay to fill up someone's inbox when you know they are gone?  Unless, of course, you hate them.

EER Rant Chapter 5: Do Not Write An Email When You Are Angry Or In a Rush

One of my favorite pieces of wisdom is:

Say it and forget it, write it and regret it.

I heard it on the People's Court one day.  I don't know if the credit should go to Judge Marilyn Milian or if it's from somewhere else.  The case was about the defendant owing the plaintiff money and the defendant claiming that the money was a gift -- like the majority of cases on the show.  The plaintiff, however, had texts from the defendant that said the defendant was going to pay her back.  Done.  Case closed.  The defendant tried to claim that wasn't evidence.  The judge disagreed because the texts came from her phone and the defendant admitted to writing them.  That was when the judge said the above.

What does that mean in the email world?  It means the same thing.  If you do not want anyone else seeing what you have written, do not write it.  If you write something that is nasty, threatening, shows your incompetence or can be construed to do so -- you could live to regret it.

How does this apply to etiquette?  Simply, don't be rude or thoughtless -- be a professional.  I am blown away by what has been coming through my inbox in terms of this very issue.  I've been thinking to myself far too often in the past few weeks, "Did you really want to put that in writing?"  Really?  The answer is likely, "No."  They did it anyhow -- probably because, at the time, they were angry or in a rush.

You have no business writing or responding to emails when you are angry or in a rush.  Well, no one can dictate that you have no business -- it's just a terrible, terrible idea.  When you send on an email that was formulated in an angry moment, a hurried rush, or worst of all an angry hurried rush, the recipient might get hurt feelings, be insulted, or get angry.  You, on the other hand, can come off as incompetent, bitter, and just plain unprofessional.  The worst part?  You have just put a loaded gun in the recipient's hand.  Depending on just how intense the feeling created by your email, they could just hit "Forward" and type in your boss's email address.  It won't go well for you after that.

Last month, I received an email that drove me wild.  It came from a student intern at a client organization I work with.  My main contact and I were trying to resolve an issue.  We copied her on our email thread mostly as a courtesy.  She hopped into the conversation and, in not so many words, told us both we didn't know what we were talking about.  She didn't just suggest, she told us that we were old fashioned and needed to be looking at the situation in a more modern way.  On top of it, she made mention of a conversation that I'd had with another intern.  That conversation wasn't part of the email discussion and the intern hadn't understood the conversation and had admitted as much to me.  At least she was smart enough not to put that in writing.

They very worst part of the email was that all of the intern's comments were about a completely different issue and did not pertain in any way to the conversation in the email.  I happened to be on site when I received the email.  I went to the office of the person who I'd been corresponding with and, when I appeared in his office door with my jaw hanging open, he looked up at me and chuckled, "I know.  I couldn't believe it either."

I went back to my work area and wrote a sizzling response to the young lady.  One that would probably make me cry if I received it.  I then clicked, "Discard" and sat back in my chair.  I felt better and I didn't lower myself to her level.  After that, I had a conversation with her direct supervisor (who she had decided to copy on the email).  He was embarrassed and apologized to me as a business partner.  I accepted that, but suggested this would be a good learning moment for the young lady and she should be required to send an apology email to the both of us.  He squirmed at that because, "She was just upset and tired from finals."

I then asked him if it was okay if I had a conversation with her then, telling her just what was wrong with her email and that, if she were in a different environment in a paid position, it could mean job termination.  He accepted that option -- probably because that meant he wouldn't have to have the confrontation of telling her that she needed to apologize.

Later that day, I sat down with the young lady.  She knew what the conversation was going to be about and had already prepared her excuses about fatigue, stress from finals, not reading clearly enough, etc.  I let her get about ten seconds in when I stopped her and laid out for her that none of that mattered.  She was still required to be a professional.  Her email was insulting on many levels -- most especially the point she made about our lack of understanding of the issue when, combined, myself and the other person have 60 years of experience.  "That's three times longer than you've been alive," I pointed out.

By the end of our conversation, she was apologetic and even thankful because she saw my point.  She shared with me that she had gotten into the habit of writing such emails during this internship and she thought it was okay because no one had said anything to her.  Of course they hadn't -- no one there is as crabby as I am.

Remember you have to work with people.  Think before you put things in writing.

Have you ever received an email that has made your jaw drop?

EER Rant Chapter 4: Read the Emails I Send You

Seriously.  I don't write emails for my health.  The purpose of my email is to convey information that you have requested or that I know you are going to need.  That doesn't mean I never want to talk to you or that I am unwilling to answer any questions about the information within emails that I've sent.  What it means, however, is that, if you aren't going to call me and ask me questions, you will follow the directions I have sent you.

Why?  If you are a client, you have indicated that you want to do business and so it is inferred that you also want to make money.  If you are a coworker, you are working on a project with me that is designed to make money.  When you are doing something that you've never done before, you can't just make up the rules because you will either lose money for yourself, for my company, or both.

Just last week, I received an email from a client that contained the following:

When we sent our items, we did not follow the return process exactly as it was laid out for us in the email...What I was wondering is, would this be a problem that may need to be dealt with?

The answer?  Yes it is a problem that needs to be dealt with.  In fact, it's an extremely big issue now.

I responded immediately with what needed to happen if there was any chance of fixing it and I indicated the level of time sensitivity.

It's been a week since I sent that reply and he's not provided the required information.

I will hear from him in the next few days.  He won't have the information.  He will want me to fix it even though I am no longer able to fix the situation.  I will have to answer the email -- will he read it this time?

At least he didn't use the Urgent flag.

EER Rant Chapter 3: Use Your Address Book

This topic is mostly inspired by a misuse of subject lines, but I thought it deserved its very own post.  This is a rare ettiquette violation because most people are not this lazy... But, because there are a couple of people in my email world who really are this lazy, I thought I'd articulate a bit because I feel like I actually conquered this bad habit.

I have a client who didn't want to add my name to address book because clicking on the option, "Add sender to address book" was too daunting.  Instead, he'd search through his prolific inbox (he doesn't delete anything and is usually in trouble with his email admin) for a previous email from me and then hit "reply" and start a whole new conversation.

Drove me out of my gourd:  I thought the issue was resolved, is it a problem again?

It happened enough that I finally started leaving those messages unopened until he emailed again asking if I'd addressed the issue.  Then I responded with, "Oh.  I didn't even look at the email because I thought it was a closed issue."  After five rounds of that, the dipshit added me to his address book.

I was recently involved in a long email conversation with a friend.  I think there were more than twenty emails in the thread.  Then there was something that she wanted to make sure I didn't pass over in our casual conversation, so she started a different thread with a different subject line.  I was delighted!  A kindred spirit.  That's EXACTLY how email needs to be used.  And you know who you are!

There is one exception to this rule:  Do not put me in your address book if you use Yahoo Mail.  Every single person that I correspond with that uses Yahoo Mail has sent me spam/virus mail.  Every single one.  On a quarterly basis.  I have sent important business emails to the same Yahoo mail users that have ended up in their spam mail despite the fact that I am in their address book.

I know you love yahoo.com because it was one of the firsts and everyone in your world has that email address.  Hard Truth:  They are making money off you even though they gave you a free email.  They may protect you from spam email, but they do not protect the people you correspond with.

Your friends, however, think you need to go to gmail.com.  Just like Facebook and Yahoo, Google is making money off you when you sign up for a free email address.  Difference is that they've never pretended that they aren't making money.  Google is upfront about the fact they want to change the face of the world while making a whole bunch of money.  Just do it.  www.gmail.com.

EER Rant Chapter 2: Facebook Is Not Email

The topic of Facebook could be its own rant in my world because I despise the forum.  However, I want to address the idea that people think it is the only way to communicate with the world.

How many times have you been at a social gathering or talking with a friend and they've responded to your surprise at a piece of news with, "I posted it on Facebook."?  What.Ever.  OMG!  LOL!  UCBS!

I get it.  I am a luddite because I hate Facebook.  Why?  Because it's marketed as "Social Networking" when it's actually a money maker for Mark Zuckerberg and his shareholders.  It's the effing Gap of the internet and we all have to have a page!  According to DMR Digital Marketing Ramblings, there are 1.11 billion users on Facebook.  The current world population clock says there are 7,122,243,721 people in the world at the moment I wrote this.  Only 15% of the world is on Facebook!  I am not a rebel because I do not want anything to do with Facebook.  I am, simply, like the majority (85%) of the world!

If you want me to know something -- email me (and don't mark that communication urgent) or call me!  I know you have a lot of things to do and don't have time to call everyone who should know that your kid graduated from kindergarten.  Hate to break it to you ... Not all of the 750 Facebook Friends you have give a shit (probably only 15% -- 112.5 of your friends -- care).  I might actually give a shit -- that's why you should contact me personally and not rely on me to stalk you through Facebook.  I don't have the interest nor the time.

Seriously.  If I am going to waste my time doing internet stalking it will be spent on searches like:

• Aaron Rodgers Girlfriend
• Aaron Rodgers Statistics
• Aaron Rodgers on Brett Favre
• Clay Matthews vs Brian Urlacher
• How to cure constipation in my cat

These are the things that are at the forefront of my mind and they are more entertaining and time consuming than catching up with your being at Starbucks enjoying a Very Berry Hibiscus Refresher.  It does sound good, but I don't care.  Do you care that I'm having gas from the cole slaw I ate last night?

I am notorious for going to bed very early.  When you are incessantly surly, you use a lot of energy and need to go to bed early after you've had your 4:00pm early bird dinner special.  RBF had a choice when she learned she was pregnant.  She could post it on Facebook and risk my running into a mutual friend who would blurt the news to me because I hadn't looked or she could CALL ME at 11:30pm (when I'd been asleep for two hours).  She called me.  She made the correct choice.  When I got up the next morning, I proceeded to order baby Packer fan clothing and I was not pissed off that she'd told the world before she told me.

Want to make someone feel special?  Tell them something before you post it on Facebook.

Should Facebook be the only way you get your information about the the people you love?

EER Rant Chapter 1: The "Urgent" Flag

Because this was the straw that broke the spinster's back, I thought I'd start here.

According to thefreedictionary.com, "urgent" is defined as:

1.  Compelling immediate action or attention; pressing.
2.  Insistent or importunate
3.  Conveying a sense of pressing importance.

"Urgent Email" is an oxymoron to me.  How in the world can email possibly be urgent?  It is sent to someone's email account which means that they have to be sitting in front of their computer or have their smart phone in front of their face to be able to see it immediately.  The person you sent that email to could be in an all day meeting, out sick for the day, or taking a potty break.  Technology also plays a role.  I know, I know -- technology never fails.  Whatever.  What happens if the admin just put a new spam buster on their server and your domain gets you dumped to a junk mail box that the person doesn't look at regularly?  What if your company's server goes down?

I realize that you are more important that any other person on the planet.  I am constantly looking at my inbox for messages from you.  Get over yourself.  You are definitely the idiot at the grocery store who sees that every register has a long line so you go to a lane where there is no cashier because, obviously, the store is going to send someone scurrying over to you to take care of your needs -- the rest of us sheep that took a place in line are completely stupid and unimportant.

Here is an honest truth:  No one wants to open your "Urgent" email.  Why?  Because it contains either a problem or a threat of loss of business unless you are paid attention to RIGHT NOW.  You know what else?  Your urgent emails are never about shit that I've done wrong, but about shit that you have fucked up and need me to fix.  Why does being a fuck up mean you get to be at the front of the line?  Hey, I want to and am going to help you, but get over the idea that your fuck up is anywhere more imperative than the dope who politely asked me.

When someone has something urgent, they call 911.  They do not email 911, the police, ambulance, rescue, etc.  If this is really that urgent, you need to PICK UP THE PHONE.  I know your fingers aren't broken because you typed the email message.  The fact that you emailed rather than called also signals to me that you know that you are not going to die, your business is not going to go bankrupt, or a plague of locusts is not going to visit your firstborn if I do not answer your email before all of the other ones that are in my inbox.

You know when an urgent email is appropriate?  If you work for some branch of the government such as the  DoD, Homeland Security, the Secret Service, the CIA, the FBI, or any other organization that is working with secrets and bombs and the message is:  There is a nuclear weapon headed for us RIGHT NOW.

In my opinion, the Urgent Flag should never appear on an email.  I think the sender should have the option to  mark something as urgent so they can get the following set of questions:

1. Are you dying?
2. Did you fuck up?
3. Did even your teachers roll their eyes because you raised your hand to answer every question?
4. Have you ever lined up two hours before Santa was to arrive at the mall?

If you answer "yes" to one or more of the questions, PICK UP THE PHONE.  This email will not be sent with an exclamation mark in front of it because it is more important that you talk with someone (preferably a therapist) about your over-inflated sense of self.  Trying to apply the "urgent" flag will result in a copy of the story The Boy Who Cried Wolf to be emailed to you on a daily basis until you pass the reading comprehension quiz that goes with the story.

Sound off.  Does the "Urgent" email flag set you off?

Email Ettiquette Rants -- Introduction

I've been absent for a long time.  Much of that is due to virtual burnout.  What I mean by that is that my virtual life has been burning me to the ground in terms of my work email inbox.  Over the past month, I have received and sent more than 750 emails.  That's just what I can estimate from looking at my Inbox and my Sent Mail.  There are a ton more emails that I have deleted.  500 of those emails were received in a twelve day period.  My therapist validated that was stressful.  As she put it, "Everyone wanted a piece of you."

Yeah ... And not a fun piece if you know what I mean.

That doesn't lend well to opening up anything email/internet related without regarding it as work or as a "problem" that needs resolution.

This morning almost tipped me over the edge.  I received an "Urgent" email at 8am that said, "Have you looked this over yet?"  Uhm.  The answer was, "Fuck no.  I did not look it over because you fucking sent it at 7pm on Friday.  I have other shit to do on my weekend."  The email was sent by a client and the situation was not urgent.  Hmmmm....

Today in Queen Bess's Life

Just eleven days after the execution of her mother, Anne Boleyn, in 1536, Bess's father, Henry VIII marries Jane Seymour.  Jane had been a Lady in Waiting to both of Henry's first two wives:  Catherine of Aragon and Anne Boleyn.

Henry's eagerness to marry Jane was fueled by his desire for a male heir.  Jane was quite the opposite of Anne Boleyn

Famous Spinster Birthday -- Pam Grier

"Me, sexy?  I'm just plain ol' beans and rice." -- Pam Grier

(I beg to differ)

Born:  May 26, 1949

Today in Queen Bess's Life

Anne Boleyn is executed on Tower Hill in 1536.  Her speech:

“Good Christian people, I have not come here to preach a sermon; I have come here to die. For according to the law and by the law I am judged to die, and therefore I will speak nothing against it. I am come hither to accuse no man, nor to speak of that whereof I am accused and condemned to die, but I pray God save the King and send him long to reign over you, for a gentler nor a more merciful prince was there never, and to me he was ever a good, a gentle, and sovereign lord. And if any person will meddle of my cause, I require them to judge the best. And thus I take my leave of the world and of you all, and I heartily desire you all to pray for me.”

Read More...

Also today, Elizabeth was released from the Tower and taken to Woodstock to continue her imprisonment under house arrest.  The procession from the Tower to Woodstock showed that Elizabeth had many supporters as she received an enthusiastic reception by the commoners.  Elizabeth would remain almost a year at Woodstock during which time the stress took a toll on her health as she waited for the moment that she would be taken back to the Tower for execution.  Her freedom was very limited -- including access to writing materials.  It was at Woodstock that she wrote the following on a shutter:

"Much suspected by me,

Nothing proved can be, 

Quoth Elizabeth prisoner."

Today in Queen Bess's Life

Anne Boleyn and her brother, George, were tried in the King's Hall in the Tower of London in 1536.  The charges included adultery, incest, and treason.  In response, Anne gave the following speech:

"I do not say that I have always borne toward the king the humility which I owed him, considering the kindness and the great honour he showed me and the great respect he always paid me; I admit too, that I have often taken it into my head to be jealous of him ... But may God be my witness if I have done him any other wrong."

It was an effort in futility...

Account of the Trial of Anne Boleyn

Famous Spinster Birthday -- Florence Nightingale

"I think one's feelings waste themselves in words; they ought to all be distilled into actions which bring results."  Florence Nightingale

Born:  May 12, 1820
Died:  August 13, 1910

Today in Queen Bess's Life

The Arrest of Anne Boleyn, David Wilkie Winfield

In 1536, it is the beginning of the end for Elizabeth's mother.  Anne is arrested and taken to the Tower.  She will only have days to live.

Today in Queen Bess's Life

Elizabeth was laid to rest at Westminster Abbey, 1603.

John Stow, English Historian and Antiquarian, was in attendance and wrote of the funeral:

"Westminster was surcharged with multitudes of all sorts of people in their streets, houses, windows, leads and gutters, that came to see the obsequy, and when they beheld her statue lying upon the coffin, there was such a general sighing, groaning and weeping as the like hath not been seen or known in the memory of man."

One of the two inscriptions on her tomb says:

"To the eternal memory of Elizabeth queen of England, France and Ireland, daughter of King Henry VIII, grand-daughter of King Henry VII, great-grand-daughter to King Edward IV. Mother of her country, a nursing-mother to religion and all liberal sciences, skilled in many languages, adorned with excellent endowments both of body and mind, and excellent for princely virtues beyond her sex. James, king of Great Britain, France and Ireland, hath devoutly and justly erected this monument to her whose virtues and kingdoms he inherits."

What's My Name?

She's home!  And ...  I'm sleep deprived.  Just like any new parent.  Well, except for the fact that a new  human baby doesn't spend the entire night walking over your full bladder, crawling under the covers, and meowing in your face.  A new baby also doesn't growl when it hears activity in the hallway.

A baby also doesn't try to stop you from writing your blog posts my shoving her face between your hands.

I do love her!  Don't get me wrong.  Just a little tired.

But there's a problem.  We haven't figured out a name.  I can't even say it's narrowed down.  It keeps growing.  Though, this morning, I was settled on, "Devil Feline."

Options:
1.  Chloe -- short and cute
2.  Nell -- after my mother's middle name.  I can call her Nell, Nellie, Nella.
3.  Beatrix -- my favorite children's book author AND it gives a lot of options for different nicknames:  Bea, Trixie, Trix, Trixilicious.
4.  Posy -- As in, 'Nosy Posy' because she's into EVERYTHING.
5.  Piper -- Because she has a set of pipes.

Mmmmrfff..  Any suggestions?

I'm in LOVE!

Lookit that FACE!

I made the mistake of going to the local Humane Society's website and I found this little girl.  Then I actually went over to the adoption site at the local Petsmart and spent some time with her.  She didn't want to be held by the person working there, but when I was left alone in the visitation room with her, she crawled into my lap, curled up and commenced purring like a little engine.

I can't stand it looking at her face in this photo!

Why didn't I take her home?
1.  Because it's the time of year to renew my lease and I've not done that yet.  I want to renew here, but it would be less messy to do that and pay the kitty fee at the same time.
2.  I'm going to be travelling a lot in the next few weeks and it seems really crappy to give her a new home and then be gone a lot -- even when there are people willing to stop by and give her food, lovins, and clean her box.
3.  She's declawed (which is required by my apartment management), but I know there might be an elderly person out there who wants a declawed kitty but is like me and couldn't be the one to actually do it.  What if I'm taking this lover from someone more in need.

I could have taken her home right there.  The people pretty much said, "Eh.  No worries."  That bothers me a little.  There is no adoption fee because they get so many cats.  I mean, are they even checking to see if I'm good enough to be a kitty mommy?  Worse, are they checking if someone else is good enough to be a kitty mommy or daddy?  I was very emotional on the drive home.

What do you all think?

You Totally Thought It Was Something Else, Didn't You?

The Spinster's Enlarged Gall Bladder

Yummmmmy!  I'm baaaack!  It's been far too long.  But, because of the drama created by that little thing on the left, I have been very behind and very low in energy.  Originally, I planned to spend the whole week I was recovering writing a whole bunch of posts and being ssooo ahead of the game.

Any idea who difficult that is when you are on Percoset?  There was one day I sat on my couch staring a the corner in my kitchen (open design apartment) for a full fifteen minutes before I realized, "I'm just staring at the corner.  Huh.  This isn't boring."

I had a timer set on my cell phone to go off every four hours so I would not miss my dose of Percoset.  The first day I was home from the hospital, I realized what it meant if I relied on my drug addled brain to keep track of the time.  I found myself standing in the kitchen clutching my mid-section and asking, "When was the last time I took one?"  Oh, four and a half hours ago.  Then I was another half hour behind the Percoset shutting down the pain.  I got so good at it that, when I got out of bed in the morning, I would see that the Percoset I'd laid out for my 4am dose was indeed gone though I had no memory of it.

I thought the only fitting return would be to pay tribute to the procedure that has changed so many things in my life:  the way my whole digestive system now works, giving me no real appetite (my hairstylist commented  that I looked like I lost weight), and making me only slightly more tolerant of those things that used to bother me.  No worries -- only slightly.

Why the big yellow line?  According to the Surgical Resident that helped with my surgery, my gall bladder was supposed to be only as big as the junk to the right of that line.  Totally grody.  She thought it was, 'Awesome' and asked if she could show the photo to the other students in her class.  I was happy to oblige, "Go for it.  Use it in the paper you're going to write."

When you first saw the photo you totally thought it was something else, didn't you?  What did you think it was?

Famous Spinster Birthday -- Susan Boyle

"I live alone with my cat Pebbles ... but I have the support of all of my brothers and sisters and friends and neighbors." -- Susan Boyle

Born:  April 1, 1961

Today in Queen Bess's Life

Tomb Effigy of Queen Elizabeth I

Elizabeth passed away on this day in 1603.  Her cause of death has never been determined, but common speculation is that she died due to blood poisoning -- perhaps from years of application of the white makeup on her face called Venetian Ceruse.  The concoction was made up white lead and vinegar.  Considering we don't want our children in homes with lead paint these days, it certainly seems probable that this was the cause of the great queen's death.

In my romantic mind, I love the legend that her last word was  "Robin" -- in reference to her longtime lover, Robert Dudley. She could have never married Dudley without severe political consequences.  Alas, her death was likely much less romantic as it is also speculated that she was in a deep sleep for a few days before she finally expired.

Today in Queen Bess's Life

On this day in 1554, Elizabeth was imprisoned in the Tower of London for her suspected involvement in the Wyatt Rebellion.  Led by Sir Thomas Wyatt, the intent was to displace Elizabeth's half sister, Mary, from the throne and replace her with Elizabeth.  Their beef with Mary?  That she was Roman Catholic and set to marry the very Roman Catholic Prince Phillip of Spain.  It was the desire of the rebels to retain the Protestant rule started by Mary and Elizabeth's father, Henry VIII.

It was assumed that Elizabeth was complicit in the plot -- thus her incarceration.

Upon her arrival by boat at the Tower (the very place her mother was beheaded), Elizabeth said:

Famous Spinster Birthday -- Queen Latifah

"I was taught from a young age that many people would treat me as a second-class citizen because I was African-American and because I was female."  -- Queen Latifah

Born:  March 18, 1970

Are you a fucking bear or something?

Hello all!  Obviously, surgery put me on a forced hiatus -- except for the posts that I wrote ahead of time and then scheduled for dates.  Sorry to reveal the wizard behind the curtain.

I'm crabby this morning.  Why?  Because of my upstairs neighbors.  I realize that I am part of the problem because I have no patience with other people.  Any apartment I've lived in has resulted in a feud with either my upstairs or downstairs counterpart.  I can't stand my current upstairs neighbors. I haven't been able to stand them since they moved in almost two years ago.

When they first moved in, it was a mother, her eight(ish) year old son, and her 'fiance'.  The fiance used to sit on the balcony smoking and talking very loudly on his cell phone.  I'm assuming he was a fiance because he would often yell at her about, "Why would I want to marry you if you don't know how to clean a house?"  His phone conversations were to his lawyer and some person that he must've gotten into a physical altercation with because he'd call the person and say shit like, "I could get into a lot of trouble for calling you because it would would considered threatening my victim, but you should know that if you testify against me, I'm going to get you."

Famous Spinster Birthday -- Rosa Luxemburg

"Those who do not move, do not notice their chains." -- Rosa Luxemburg

Born:  March 5, 1871
Died:  January 15, 1919

Today in Queen Bess's Life

Scene from Henry VI, part I

Today is the estimated date of the first production of William Shakespeare's first play, Henry VI, Part I in 1592.  The date is "estimated" because Shakespeare's plays weren't actually published until after his death.  Being a playwright was a dangerous occupation in Elizabethan times as an author who expressed slanderous or heretic views in their writing could be subjected to torture and, possibly, execution.

The Queen was a patron of Shakespeare.  There is mythology that Elizabeth was, in fact, William Shakespeare herself.  But when would she have found the time?  Plus, many of his plays were written after her death, so this myth doesn't hold water.

Hospital Blogging!

Because I can!  What an amazing world, huh?

So I landed in the hospital earlier than the surgeon wanted.  Well... I don't know that for sure, but he has no bed side manner...  I went to the ER on Wednesday -- one full week before the appointment that was supposed to be my consultation to set up the surgery. The ER Doctor determined I needed surgery ASAP.  The reluctant surgeon spoke with me and gave me two options:

1.  We admit you and get your pain under control and then you can go home tomorrow and then see me next to set up surgery.
2.  We admit you and get your pain under control then do surgery on you tomorrow.

I chose number 2.

In the ER they gave me this wonderful pharmaceutical called, "Dilaudid."  Good heavens.  That was nice.  Until I was in the hospital and pushed the nurse call button:

Nurse:  How can I help?

Me:  Trouble ... breathing ...

Nurse:  [cheerfully]  I'll be right down!

His voice was so happy, I was totally less scared.  I was!  Then he and two other nurses came bursting through the door with a crash cart "just in case".  They pulled down my gown and saw the rash -- time to take away my ice cream cone on a hot day.  I went from chocolate ice cream cone to lime popsicle (fentanyl).

Around midnight, I was sitting up in my bed sobbing.  The CNA wandered in and gave me a hug, "Let's get you fixed."  She got to the nurse and they introduced me to Percoset....  That is like the banana split of pain killers!

After all of that, the surgeon visited me the next morning and asked how I was -- as he was reading my chart.  I said I was much better and he looked hopeful, "Do you want to go home and do this next week?"

What the?

I turned down his generous offer.

There is a point.

After the surgery, he talked with my sister and father and told them, "She's lucky she came in when she did.  One more day and she would have been in a lot of trouble."  The little turd hasn't talked to me yet.

If he waits much longer, I think there's going to be a lot of trouble....

The very good, very happy news, is that I'm going to be okay and that I'm feeling like a rock star...

Now where is that mocha with whipped cream and the chocolate chip scone?

Today is National Pig Day!

I couldn't pass this one up ... Piggies are cute!

Seriously, this is a holiday -- it's in Wikipedia and everything!

Today in Queen Bess's Life

King Erick XIV of Sweden

Elizabeth had many suitors.  And why not?  She was rich, articulate, accomplished, and the leader of the most powerful nation in the Western World.  Why do all the work when your wife can do it for you?  One of her most ardent pursuers was King Erik XIV of Sweden.

On this day in 1560, Elizabeth finally doused the flames of his love with the following letter:

Most Serene Prince Our Very Dear Cousin,

A letter truly yours both in the writing and sentiment was given us on 30 December by your very dear brother, the Duke of Finland.  And while we perceive there from that the zeal and love of your mind towards us is not diminished, yet in part we are grieved that we cannot gratify your Serene Highness with the same kind of affection.  And that indeed does not happen because we doubt in any way of your love and honour, but, as often we have testified both in words and writing, that we have never yet conceived a feeling of that kind of affections towards anyone.  We therefore beg your Serene Highness again and again that you be pleased to set a limit to your love, that it advance not beyond the laws of friendship for the present nor disregard them in the future.  And we in turn shall take care that whatever can be required for the holy preservation of friendship between Princes we will always perform towards your Serene Highness.  It seems strange for your Serene Highness to write that you understand from your brother and your ambassadors that we have entirely determined not to marry an absent husband; and that we shall give you no certain reply until we shall have seen your person.

Thought for the day...

If my car window is frozen shut, how am I supposed to get breakfast?

(This may be just a little bit of the reason for my current condition...  Just a little.)

Vicodin and Temper Tantrums

The week started out pretty okay...  Then went into the crapper pretty fast.

I found myself in a city two hours away with a freaking gallstone attack.  If you've had one, you know the fun of which I speak.  If you haven't had one, you do not want to know the fun of which I speak.

I don't even want to talk about the details because I've had to repeat them several times already to my boss, clients, loved ones, and the nurses/doctors.  I'm rather tired of talking about the details.  I'm rather tired, actually.

And not entirely proud of myself.  When I got to my doctor's office, I had the preliminary bs with the nurse.  She was not one of his two regular nurses.  In fact, I think she must be the spare that is kept in the back of the clinic to do paperwork because compassion and common sense are not in her skill set.

First she weighs me -- which always makes me hate the nurse for thirty seconds.  Although -- today -- showed I'd lost some weight.  yay.  Before she takes my vitals, she wants to know why I'm there.  Again, I don't feel like sharing all the details since all you need to know is that, by the time my fanny is in that chair, I've been dealing with this pain for ohhhh .... 33 hours (which I told her) and I've slept for maybe ohhhhh .... five hours during that 33 hours (which I told her).

Onto the vitals and the interrogation:

Nurse:  Wow.  Your blood pressure is high.  Do you take blood pressure medicine -- should we be looking at that, too?

SS: [sliding my bleary, red rimmed eyes to her and trying to desperately telepathically communicate to her that she is a stupid bitch]  I do not take blood pressure medicine.  Do you see that on my chart?  And wouldn't I have elevated blood pressure because I've been at a level 8 pain for 33 hours?

Today is National Margarita Day

There was a time in my life when I was known to make a very tasty margarita...  That was the same time in my life that I would dress in a turkey suit and smoke cigars on our front steps during our parties...  Ohhhh...  To be young and stupid...

That was back in the 'olden' days when there weren't many mixers on the market, so I had to do it from scratch.  Doing it from scratch is kind of a pain in the rump.  That's why I suggest using a mixer...  Or get a Margarita in a Bag!

I'm not sure how it tastes.  I don't think I want to know.

(In)Appropriate Spinster Behavior

Very cute, very smart, very attractive 25 year old male walks into hotel bar and chooses the seat next to the 41 year old spinster:

25YO:  What's good to eat?

SS: [slurping her cosmo and surveying the scenery]  They say the seafood here is good.  I don't like seafood, but I've witnessed people losing themselves over the Red Snapper soup.

25YO:  [grinning]  Sold.

Two hours later:

SS:  What's your IQ?

25YO:  I don't know if I believe in those tests.  Do you?

SS: [shrugging]  I took one once.  It was supposed to take 90 minutes.  I finished in 45 while I was watching TV and scored a 148.

25YO: [gulping]  That's like a genius.

SS:  [shrugging again]  More like an evil sexy genius.

25YO:  How old are you again?

SS:  41.

25YO:  [choking on water]  Not even possible.

SS:  [as she signs her bill]  Totally true.  Terrifying, isn't it?

---------------------------------

Embrace it, my sweets.  They are eager to learn and we are the best teachers they could hope for.  More importantly, our younger sisters need us to teach these young men the ways of the world.

Today in Queen Bess's Life

In 1547, Elizabeth's younger brother, Edward was crowned and became Edward VI of England.  He was only nine years old, but it would make sense that he was ready to be King since his father had signed the Treaty of Greenwich in July of 1543 which formally betrothed his young son to the then seven month old Mary Queen of Scots.

To help the boy with the task of ruling an entire country, his father had names sixteen executors who were to act as Edward's Council until he reached the age of 18.  And, in keeping with any monarch's reign during that time, the boy found himself surrounded by scoundrels and schemers.

Stay tuned...

The Best Use of Email

Email has a ton of great uses.  But the best so far?  Emailing your doctor.  The world of online appointment scheduling and emailing my doctor has just arrived in my corner of the world.  I don't just like it, I LOVE it.  A person always feels their worst on the weekend or at night when the office is closed.  To be able to log in and see if there is an appointment available for the next business day is consoling.  To be able to log in and send an email saying, "This is my deal.  Call me back." is even better.

Yes, yes.  One can call and be on terminal hold until someone answers and tells you there isn't anything available for a week -- oh, but you feel really bad?  Let me leave a message with your doctor's office.  Then you wait for the doctor to call you back.  This way, it goes right to the doctor -- or, rather, his nurse and she takes care of calling you back and doing what needs to be done while you do the other things that need to get done when you aren't feeling well -- like sleeping or those urgent work emails.

Sunday, February 17, 4:15pm:  E-Mailed Dr:  Here's my problem.  I'm going out of town for a week.  Any way you can beam a prescription to my pharmacy before I have to leave town on Monday afternoon?  If you can't get it to them before I leave, this is where I'm staying and this is the closest pharmacy.

All the information is there -- no rolling my eyes while the nurse has to write it all down.  I'm sure she appreciates not having to write it all down, too.

Monday, February 18, 2:26pm (which is about the same time I would have heard back if I would have called and sat on hold and then been transferred to talk to the nurse):  Call back from Dr.'s Nurse.  I talked with the doctor.  We didn't get the prescription to your local pharmacy in time.  We're calling the one you gave us the info for in your email.  Also consider 800mgs of ibuprofen for this matter.

Monday, February 18, 4:07pm:  Prescription in hand.  Problem going to go away this week instead of next week.

Bing.  Bam.  Boom.  Best use of email.