EER Rant Chapter 1: The "Urgent" Flag

Because this was the straw that broke the spinster's back, I thought I'd start here.

According to thefreedictionary.com, "urgent" is defined as:

1.  Compelling immediate action or attention; pressing.
2.  Insistent or importunate
3.  Conveying a sense of pressing importance.

"Urgent Email" is an oxymoron to me.  How in the world can email possibly be urgent?  It is sent to someone's email account which means that they have to be sitting in front of their computer or have their smart phone in front of their face to be able to see it immediately.  The person you sent that email to could be in an all day meeting, out sick for the day, or taking a potty break.  Technology also plays a role.  I know, I know -- technology never fails.  Whatever.  What happens if the admin just put a new spam buster on their server and your domain gets you dumped to a junk mail box that the person doesn't look at regularly?  What if your company's server goes down?

I realize that you are more important that any other person on the planet.  I am constantly looking at my inbox for messages from you.  Get over yourself.  You are definitely the idiot at the grocery store who sees that every register has a long line so you go to a lane where there is no cashier because, obviously, the store is going to send someone scurrying over to you to take care of your needs -- the rest of us sheep that took a place in line are completely stupid and unimportant.

Here is an honest truth:  No one wants to open your "Urgent" email.  Why?  Because it contains either a problem or a threat of loss of business unless you are paid attention to RIGHT NOW.  You know what else?  Your urgent emails are never about shit that I've done wrong, but about shit that you have fucked up and need me to fix.  Why does being a fuck up mean you get to be at the front of the line?  Hey, I want to and am going to help you, but get over the idea that your fuck up is anywhere more imperative than the dope who politely asked me.

When someone has something urgent, they call 911.  They do not email 911, the police, ambulance, rescue, etc.  If this is really that urgent, you need to PICK UP THE PHONE.  I know your fingers aren't broken because you typed the email message.  The fact that you emailed rather than called also signals to me that you know that you are not going to die, your business is not going to go bankrupt, or a plague of locusts is not going to visit your firstborn if I do not answer your email before all of the other ones that are in my inbox.

You know when an urgent email is appropriate?  If you work for some branch of the government such as the  DoD, Homeland Security, the Secret Service, the CIA, the FBI, or any other organization that is working with secrets and bombs and the message is:  There is a nuclear weapon headed for us RIGHT NOW.

In my opinion, the Urgent Flag should never appear on an email.  I think the sender should have the option to  mark something as urgent so they can get the following set of questions:

1. Are you dying?
2. Did you fuck up?
3. Did even your teachers roll their eyes because you raised your hand to answer every question?
4. Have you ever lined up two hours before Santa was to arrive at the mall?

If you answer "yes" to one or more of the questions, PICK UP THE PHONE.  This email will not be sent with an exclamation mark in front of it because it is more important that you talk with someone (preferably a therapist) about your over-inflated sense of self.  Trying to apply the "urgent" flag will result in a copy of the story The Boy Who Cried Wolf to be emailed to you on a daily basis until you pass the reading comprehension quiz that goes with the story.

Sound off.  Does the "Urgent" email flag set you off?