Say it and forget it, write it and regret it.I heard it on the People's Court one day. I don't know if the credit should go to Judge Marilyn Milian or if it's from somewhere else. The case was about the defendant owing the plaintiff money and the defendant claiming that the money was a gift -- like the majority of cases on the show. The plaintiff, however, had texts from the defendant that said the defendant was going to pay her back. Done. Case closed. The defendant tried to claim that wasn't evidence. The judge disagreed because the texts came from her phone and the defendant admitted to writing them. That was when the judge said the above.
What does that mean in the email world? It means the same thing. If you do not want anyone else seeing what you have written, do not write it. If you write something that is nasty, threatening, shows your incompetence or can be construed to do so -- you could live to regret it.
How does this apply to etiquette? Simply, don't be rude or thoughtless -- be a professional. I am blown away by what has been coming through my inbox in terms of this very issue. I've been thinking to myself far too often in the past few weeks, "Did you really want to put that in writing?" Really? The answer is likely, "No." They did it anyhow -- probably because, at the time, they were angry or in a rush.
You have no business writing or responding to emails when you are angry or in a rush. Well, no one can dictate that you have no business -- it's just a terrible, terrible idea. When you send on an email that was formulated in an angry moment, a hurried rush, or worst of all an angry hurried rush, the recipient might get hurt feelings, be insulted, or get angry. You, on the other hand, can come off as incompetent, bitter, and just plain unprofessional. The worst part? You have just put a loaded gun in the recipient's hand. Depending on just how intense the feeling created by your email, they could just hit "Forward" and type in your boss's email address. It won't go well for you after that.
Last month, I received an email that drove me wild. It came from a student intern at a client organization I work with. My main contact and I were trying to resolve an issue. We copied her on our email thread mostly as a courtesy. She hopped into the conversation and, in not so many words, told us both we didn't know what we were talking about. She didn't just suggest, she told us that we were old fashioned and needed to be looking at the situation in a more modern way. On top of it, she made mention of a conversation that I'd had with another intern. That conversation wasn't part of the email discussion and the intern hadn't understood the conversation and had admitted as much to me. At least she was smart enough not to put that in writing.
They very worst part of the email was that all of the intern's comments were about a completely different issue and did not pertain in any way to the conversation in the email. I happened to be on site when I received the email. I went to the office of the person who I'd been corresponding with and, when I appeared in his office door with my jaw hanging open, he looked up at me and chuckled, "I know. I couldn't believe it either."
I went back to my work area and wrote a sizzling response to the young lady. One that would probably make me cry if I received it. I then clicked, "Discard" and sat back in my chair. I felt better and I didn't lower myself to her level. After that, I had a conversation with her direct supervisor (who she had decided to copy on the email). He was embarrassed and apologized to me as a business partner. I accepted that, but suggested this would be a good learning moment for the young lady and she should be required to send an apology email to the both of us. He squirmed at that because, "She was just upset and tired from finals."
I then asked him if it was okay if I had a conversation with her then, telling her just what was wrong with her email and that, if she were in a different environment in a paid position, it could mean job termination. He accepted that option -- probably because that meant he wouldn't have to have the confrontation of telling her that she needed to apologize.
Later that day, I sat down with the young lady. She knew what the conversation was going to be about and had already prepared her excuses about fatigue, stress from finals, not reading clearly enough, etc. I let her get about ten seconds in when I stopped her and laid out for her that none of that mattered. She was still required to be a professional. Her email was insulting on many levels -- most especially the point she made about our lack of understanding of the issue when, combined, myself and the other person have 60 years of experience. "That's three times longer than you've been alive," I pointed out.
By the end of our conversation, she was apologetic and even thankful because she saw my point. She shared with me that she had gotten into the habit of writing such emails during this internship and she thought it was okay because no one had said anything to her. Of course they hadn't -- no one there is as crabby as I am.
Remember you have to work with people. Think before you put things in writing.
Have you ever received an email that has made your jaw drop?
