Today in Queen Bess's Life

Britain's defeat of the Spanish Armada in 1588 is, perhaps, one of those events that is taught in most every Western History class as it was the moment that Britain proved its superiority on the seas.  The battle also resulted in a technological revolution that changed the face of naval battles.

The planned invasion by Spain was ordered by the Kind of Spain, Phillip II, and supported by the then Pope, Sixtus V.  Phillip was the widower of Elizabeth's older, Roman Catholic sister, Mary.  Ever since Mary's death, Phillip had challenged the legitimacy of Elizabeth's rule and called her a heretic for her Protestant beliefs.  The failed invasion had been regarded as a crusade.

Famous Spinster Birthday -- Lizzie Borden

"Oh, Mrs. Churchill, do come over, someone has killed father."  -- Lizzie Borden

Born:  July 19, 1860
Died:  June 1, 1927

EER Rant Chapter 7: How to Use Subject Lines

When our elementary school teachers started us on writing essays or book reports, one of the most important elements we learned about was the title.  The title is meant to tell the reader what your essay is about.  From the emails I receive, I am wondering if there was a shortage of red pencils everywhere else in the country because these subject lines (or titles) suck.  I can only think that they were never taught how to write a proper title and that is why their subject lines tend to appear as if they were written by illiterates.

Subject line abuse has so many different forms, I decided to make a list for this post.

1.  No subject line.  What more do I need to say?  The only thing I can think of is that this is actually a strategy.  The sender thinks the recipient will receive the subject line-less email and think, "Oooh!  A surprise problem!  It's just like Let's Make a Deal!  I'm going to open that one first!"  Guess what?  If you didn't take the time to think of a couple of words that describe the content of the email, I can't see why I'm going to look at it first.

2.  Entire message is in the subject line.  Yeah...  And I'm not saying just a two word message.  I've received emails that have two or three sentence subject lines with no body.  Wtf?  First, it's messy to read.  Second, it makes that email three or four lines high in my inbox which pushes other conversations out of my sight.  This is not a text message.  It's an email.  Act like you've used email before.

3.  The subject is in all caps.  Isn't the most basic of all email etiquette knowledge?  ALL CAPS MEANS YOU'RE SHOUTING AT ME.  Because you are not walking behind me in the hallway and need to get my attention before I go into another room, you don't need to effing yell at me.  I brought this issue up to the supervisor of a person who always sent her emails that way.  He made the excuse, "Well, she has her caps lock on for another program she uses a lot.  I'm sure that's why she does it."  I responded with, "Then why isn't the body of her email in caps?"  He didn't have an answer.  He also hasn't corrected her.  I guess he doesn't care how she's representing his company.

4.  The subject is 'Question'.  This is only minimally better than no subject line.  If you are in business and writing someone an email, it's unlikely you are writing to say, "I just wanted to tell you that you're awesome." You have a question or a need.  I don't believe you aren't creative.  I just think you're lazy.  That's not fair, the lazier person just uses the question mark.

5.  The subject line says "call me".  Uhm.  This is sorta like #2.  I decided to give it's own listing because it's a combo of #2 on this list and the "Urgent" flag.  You need to talk with me.  How is it you cannot pick up the phone?  If you are afraid you are interrupting a meeting, you needn't worry!  I won't pick up the phone!

I'm not asking for the first sentence of a great novel.  I don't need to be intrigued by what is within the email.  I just need to have an idea before I open it up.  That's all.  Not much to ask.

What kinds of subject line irritations do you experience?

EER Rant Chapter 6: Respect the Out of Office Message

I am a huge fan of the Out of Office Message.  When I send an email with an issue which requires a timely (not immediate -- because that's what phone calls are for) response and I receive a message letting me know that the person is out and how long they are going to be out, I can decide how I want to proceed.  If I cannot wait until they are back, I go to another person who might be able to help and I send a note to the original recipient that says, "Hey.  This is taken care of."  That way, they have one less thing on their desk when they return to work.

I know a few people, however, who seem to think the "Out of Office" message is either a dare or an invitation to, "Please fill up my inbox while I am away.  While I am out, I am dreaming of dealing with all of your issues when I return."  I'm not trying to diminish any concerns the senders might have.  It's just that these particular correspondents seem to think, "Ooh.  Everyone else is going to leave her alone.  So, if I fill up her inbox, she will be working on my stuff as soon as she returns."

When I had that surgery back in February, I called one of my clients and told him that I was going to have to cancel an appointment we had because I was going to have emergency surgery and then would be taking time off to recuperate.  The "Out of Office" message I set up said simply that I was out of the office until X date because I didn't feel like telling the world that I had surgery.  That client sent me three emails a day for a week -- even the weekends.

After twenty one emails, he emailed to ask, "Have you been getting my emails?"

Because of the heavy dose of Oxycodone, it took me an hour to craft the following:

Dear Dumbfuck,
I have been getting your emails.  In fact, they are pissing me off because you know I had surgery.  "Recovering" from surgery doesn't mean answering your emails all day.  I can hardly figure out how to send an email because of these splendid drugs which are, by the way, the reason I haven't called you to tell you off.

Because of you, I will need to resume drinking in order to cope after I run out of my oxy.
XOXO
Surly Spinster

Because I follow the rule of not sending off emails when I am in angry, I discarded the message when I was done.  Well... I hit "print" and then discarded the message.  It's hanging on my office door because I just might snail mail it to him one day if I get another job.

Here's the point...  You may think the "Out of Office" message means the person is taking a lovely vacation in a tropical place which means they will be so re-energized when they return that they are going to be able to plow through your requests in record time.  Stop to think before you freak out and load them up.  Maybe they are sick, maybe someone in their family is sick, maybe someone has passed away.  In short, don't be a dick.  Oh, and even if they are on vacay, they are not looking forward to your marathon of missives when they return.

What do you think?  Is it okay to fill up someone's inbox when you know they are gone?  Unless, of course, you hate them.