Cleaning tips from the Spinster

After having recently been at a dinner party and sat with a bunch of married with children women, I was again reminded that this life of a spinster isn't so bad.  One of the big reasons?  Cleaning.  First of all, there is only one person making the mess -- me.  Therefore, there isn't as much mess ... maybe.  Second, how clean (or not clean) my place is affects only my well being.  I don't have to go to Parents' Night at the school and be concerned that the other moms are going to be whispering to each other, "There she is...  Yes I've been to her house.  You know the head lice epidemic started there."  Speaking of head lice, RLF's step daughter just had two go-rounds with that one.  Cleaning up after that would tempt me to just move and buy all new furniture.

As I listened to the woes of cleaning up after a husband and children, I was happy for my very simple cleaning routine.  Okay, my lazy cleaning routine.  There was a time in my life when I was fastidious.  Half of every Saturday was spent dusting, vacuuming, cleaning surfaces.  I was so psycho that the tops of the heat registers were cleaned every week.  Now they only get attention about twice a year.  I had come to the conclusion that I wanted to tempt fate and staph infections.

With that in mind, I have only five tips that are enough to get the Sassy Spinster through the day.



#5.  Dawn Power Clean:  The website says, "The power of an overnight soak in just five minutes."  Yeah baby.  I hate doing dishes.  I will even admit that, depending on my mood, I will not prepare certain foods because I don't want to deal with the pans later.  When my tummy is nice and round and full from a bowl of comforting Mac'n'Cheese, I just want to recline on the couch -- not be standing over the sink trying to get the yuck off the sides of the pan.

#4.  Clorox Disinfecting Wipes:  Who do you think invented these?  I don't know who invented these, but I would give them a huge, sloppy kiss.  I threw away my bucket and rags.  Wipe the top of the heat register! Do a touch up on the floor!  Wipe down that toilet seat!  Clean the toothpaste globs out of the bathroom sink!  These babies get used every single day around here.  The other plus is that their scent is strong enough that anyone who walks in thinks you did a full blown cleaning and they feel safe enough to remove their shoes.

#3.  Make your bed:  Why don't you just close your bedroom door, Surly Spinster?  Great question.  First, I need a bed that is made.  I stay in hotels far too often and I've become somewhat of a princess that requires the sheets be straightened and neat when I crawl into bed to begin my nightly thrashing to and fro.  Second, I read a tip in Teen Magazine (which, sadly, looks like it's no longer in publication) that the best way to make your room look neat is to make your bed.  It works.  On the occasion that someone comes over to my place and needs to use the restroom, they can glance into my bedroom and see my neatly made bed and feel confident that they are not going to catch anything when they go into the loo.  It's a little bit of subterfuge.  Also, married friends can be jealous that I have all sorts of pillows on my bed with no complaining from a husband who thinks it's "just too much".

#2.  Blame the Cleaning Lady/Cats:  I don't have a cleaning lady.  I would feel self conscious about what she might find.  However, anyone who visits doesn't know I don't have a cleaning lady.  I mean, why would they know?  No one invites people over when the cleaning lady is there.  So if things are a little iffy, it's simple:  "The cleaning lady had pneumonia this week and I just didn't have time to get to that." or "The cleaning lady had an eye infection and was wearing a patch, so there's lots of things she missed."  I'm not telling anyone that my cleaning lady is incompetent -- just disease ridden.  And since she's disease ridden, no one is going to ask for her information.

Blaming the cats.  Notice I used a plural there -- a common stereotype of spinsters is that they are also crazy cat ladies.  I do not currently have cats, but I did and am just waiting to get into a place that I own in order to get them again.  My current apartment requires that they be declawed and I'm a wuss about doing that.  Back to the topic at hand.  Obviously you need cats in order to blame them because your guests will wonder what you're talking about.  I suppose you could say, "My cat is shy and hides every time someone comes over."  I don't think even the craziest cat lady is going to search your place for a hiding cat.  Blaming it on the cat is simple:  "Oh my goodness!  I just vacuumed!  I swear.  Whenever I vacuum, the cat hair appears within half an hour!"  You know what?  It's not a lie.  The lie is letting your guest assume that you vacuumed half an hour ago -- not three weeks ago.  Of course, your cats understand exactly what you are saying which means that you must give them some yummy wet food as soon as the guest leaves.  This is their reward for taking the blame for your slovenly habits.  It is also a bribe so they do not slice open your jugular while you sleep.

Dogs that shed can also be blamed.  They also are not as smart as cats and cannot understand what you're saying, so you don't have to be concerned with pissing them off.

#1.  Low wattage light bulbs:  No no no ... I'm not suggesting that if they can't see the dirt, it doesn't exist.  I'm suggesting that if they can't see the dirt, they can't see the dirt.  Bing bang boom!  Your house is clean!  This strategy has a dual purpose in that it also enhances your beauty for the gentlemen (or lady if you prefer) callers.  The Nanny said it best, "The best lighting for a woman over thirty is moon or candle."  She was an absolute genius!  Think about it.  How uggo do you look under the glaring lights of a beauty salon?  I've always wondered about that.  Aren't we supposed to feel beautiful at the salon?  Or are those glaring lights there to get you to buy a whole bunch of extra services in an effort to feel better about yourself?  You can see every glaring flaw.  Now, if the lights were dimmer, you would look more beautiful.  It's the same with your home -- dim the lights and all of the flaws "disappear".