Why Is Buying Technology a Buzz Kill?

I have cramps and a canker sore.  I may be crabbier than usual.  I am going to rant.  Get some coffee or a cocktail.

This is a topic that I was going to write about on Friday, but was sidetracked by the annoying friend.  Today brought the topic to the front of my mind again and I must rant.  The topic is buying technology.  It is, in my opinion, a pain in the ass.

Technology is meant to be a tool and it is also meant to entertain.  It should, in this world, bring us all the instant satisfaction that we desire.  Yet obtaining technology seems to be an ever increasing complicated mess that is not for the weak of heart.  Here's what I want when I am buying technology:  I walk in and tell the sales person what I want.  The salesperson leads me to what I want and I am immediately in love.  I buy it, I go home and open it and it works and I am happy.  Is that so hard?

Apparently so.


I am not a Luddite in regards to technology.  In fact, I have a lot of pieces of technology (maybe too many) that all bring me happiness and entertainment.  The most important pieces of technology would have to be my laptops because they are also my primary tools.  I have one for work and then one for myself -- to play games, store photos of my beautiful great nephew, and play on the Internet.  My two personal laptops have fried hard drives.  I could replace the hard drives, but why do that?  I'm going to have to start from scratch if I do that, so I might as well get the newest thing.

Since I despise going and foraging for technology, I have asked for help.  The first personal laptop I purchased was easy.  I called RLF.  She said, "Cool.  I've been researching laptops.  I can help."  We went to the store and I pointed at different ones that I thought were pretty.  Yes, pretty is important to me when it comes to technology.  I am not interested in the original Star Trek.  I want the Next Generation with the sleek, sexy bald head of Patrick Stewart.  Once I pointed at the ones that were pleasing to my eye, I was free to spin and look at the pretty overhead lights while she deciphered which one had the right features to suit my needs.

I fried that hard drive and needed a new one.  I asked Mr. Man for his help as RLF was two hours away.  He was more than happy to help.  Except. "Okay, first we need to go online and research this."  What?  Fuck no.  I'm not going to do research.  That sounds boring and will take time.  I put my head on my desk while we talked on the phone.  "Did I hear a clunk?  Are you okay?"  I sighed, "I'm fine.  Don't worry about it, I'll do this myself."  It could have been his plan in the first place.  He knows that I'm insufferably impatient about some things so he could get a "Get out of Jail Free" card from shopping because I wasn't going to stand for poring through Consumer Reports online.  He was also probably trying to teach me the importance of knowing what is important in an investment.  I know what I want, that's all that should matter.

So I went it without him and it worked out great until I burned out that hard drive.  And no, I don't download porn.

Last Friday, I found myself in the situation of, "I no longer have a personal laptop."  I went shopping.  I was going to use the strategy I used the last time.    I would read the labels by the devices that told me what each one was best for.  What?  Those labels were gone!  However, I found a friendly technology guy who walked me through it.  He didn't even try to sell me something I didn't need.  He informed me about the technology and away I went with the bar code tag so I could pay and someone would fetch me my technology.  I could then tuck away for the weekend playing and organizing and downloading.

Not so much.  I'm going to name names -- Sam's Club.

I paid and waited for ten minutes while someone opened their 'cage' and searched for my item.  Like a confusing emergency room, there were discussions with all sorts of other people until she skulked over:

Skulker:  I'm sorry, we only have one more in stock.
Me:  Okay ... Does that mean I can't buy it?
Skulker:  No.  You can buy it, but we only have one more in stock.
I'm thinking, "Is it fucking haunted or something?"
Skulker jabbed her finger at the woman standing at the podium by the registers:  You need to talk to her. 

I sauntered over to the woman, wondering if there was a super secret password to buy the last one in stock.  She informed me, "The only one we have in stock is the floor model.  I'm working on getting someone to get it and pack it up for you."  Then she smiled.

I returned the smile, "Great!  How much of a discount will I receive?"  The podium lady looked shocked, "Discount?"  I nodded, continuing to smile, "Yes.  Pretty much every retailer gives a discount on floor models."

Let me say that I was burning pissed off at this moment.  First, I suffer from some PTSD from the first time I bought a home computer about twenty years ago.  I fell for 'the floor model' deal (and asked for no discount because I was a moron) and it was a saga that lasted for weeks.  Weeks.  I will never buy a floor model ever again.  I was pissed that it was assumed I would take this model rather than asking me if I would want it.

She showed me the bar code tag which displayed the original price along with the current price, "You're already getting a great deal on this.  It's marked down $150 from the original price!  They're not going to give you a discount."  She smiled at me and I sighed a little because I know she doesn't even know what the fucking interweb is.  Nonetheless, I mustered a smile, "I understand that.  But you see, that floor model is not the same as the ones that come out of the box.  Your floor model has been turned on for hours a day for who knows how many weeks.  There have been children with sticky hands pounding on the keyboard.  You've also installed passwords on that model so people have to find a sales associate to get at the features.  You will be spending time taking that stuff off.  Also, you have installed any number of demos on the machine that also need to be taken off.  It is not the same as one out of the box.  The value is depreciated."

She looked at me blankly, "I'll call the manager."  She called the manager over the walkie talkie and I heard him clearly say, "I'm busy on the phone.  I'll get to you when I have time."  I didn't have any more time.  I politely asked to have the item (and the fucking warranty) refunded.  She held up her finger, "Don't worry.  I'll get someone to pack that up for you."  I asked again, "Are you going to give me a discount?"  She again explained what a great deal I was getting.  Again I  told her that I just wanted a refund.  And again (I am not fucking lying about this) she told me she would get someone to get the laptop packed up for me.

This went two more rounds until I got my refund.  The upside is that I walked out with a 3lb bag of almonds and five cute little outfits for Bubby.  The other upside is that I actually filled out the survey I was encouraged to look at by the cashier.  You know the one:  Answer these questions and we probably won't give you a gift card.  I got my anger out on that one.

I went to Office Max.  I was greeted by a cheerful little sales person who took the time to ask what I needed.  It didn't take long (because, at that point, I was tired and really cranky) to determine what would be a good fit.  In fact, I was going to be getting a device that had more power and features than the one at Sam's Club.  Even better?  It was $40 less!  Once I'd decided, the young lady needed  to "check if we have that in stock."  Not this again.  Seriously, not this again.

You guessed it.  They didn't have it in stock, but she could order it from another store with FREE shipping.  Damn skippy you wouldn't charge me shipping for a store transfer.  I asked if the other store was close by, could I go buy it there?  She didn't want that to happen because it would mean lost commission.  Of course it wasn't close by.  Whatever.  I was tired.  How long would it take?  Two to three days.

In my world, that means business days, so I wanted to clarify.  Two or three days from Monday so it would be here Wednesday or Thursday?  "No", she smiled, "Two to three days from today.  Monday or Tuesday at the latest."  Spiffy.  I would miss the weekend curled up with my new technology, but it would be in my hands soon.  I started the process.  That's when the real selling began.  Warranties, laptop fans, all the regular bullshit.  I'm in sales myself and know exactly how shitty it is to hear no, so I try to soften the blow with a smile while I say no.  She wasn't taking no.  I began to wish that I would just put up with Mr. Man's "research" and let him tell her no because she would listen.

When I finally left, exhausted and frustrated at no one listening to me, my phone rang and Mr. Man cheerfully asked, "Do you have a new laptop?"  I explained it was out of stock.  He asked, "Why didn't you just write down the model and go down the street to Best Buy?"

My face darkened.  I felt it.  "Do you really want to listen to my Best Buy rant again?"  He laughed.  I'm going to spare you my Best Buy rant.  Let me just say that I went into that store for the first time in 15 years last year.  I walked out feeling just like I had the last time I was in there.  I'm not going to play Marco Polo with some pimple faced teeneaged nerdball who is going to condescend to me because I have more important things to do with my brain than care about the difference between MB and KB.

Where is this all leading?

Last night my work laptop took a nose dive.  My company's help desk tried to help me this morning.  It's possible that my hard drive is fried (what the hell am I doing to these laptops?).  This causes me a lot of displeasure because the last time I backed up my hard drive was about a month and a half ago.  I have produced a lot of documents between then and now.  I'm fucking screwed if they can't recover my loss.  I calmed myself somewhat -- because my new personal laptop would be in today.

Ohohohohoh!  I forgot to mention that I called yesterday afternoon to inquire about it's arrival.  Remember the little sprite said, "No later than Tuesday."  I was told, "There was a delay.  Tomorrow for sure."

SSsssooooo.... I called this afternoon.  Did I mention that I have cramps?  I've had them for days and have driven over 400 miles.  I feel like crap.  My consolation as I lumbered into my car was that I could pick up my shiny new toy on my way home -- even though I was going to have to use it for work.  I got the little cutie who sold it to me on the phone, "Ohhhhh... I'm so SORRY!  There was a problem with the store transfer and I had to request it again."

I chewed on my lip and stared at the stop light for a moment.  I willed my voice to be even as I asked, "When did you discover this?"  It was her turn to pause, "Monday."  I was still pleasant, "And it didn't occur to you to call me at that time?"  Another pause and then a meek, "I'm sorry."  I didn't respond.  She filled the silence with a chirping, "Tomorrow for sure!"

I was still even, "I hope so.  Because my work laptop died and I'm behind.  I need that new laptop that was supposed to be here yesterday."  She chirped again, "Okay!  I'll put a note on the order to call you right away!"  Yes.  You.  Fucking.  Will.

Obviously I'm blogging.  I dug a more primitive form of technology I give to contract employees.  I'm not happy about it.

So my question is ... Why is it so hard to get the thing (technology) that is supposed to make our lives easier?

You know what's not hard to buy?  Booze.  That's not hard to buy.  Half way home I needed gas, a restroom, and a bag of peanuts.  I stopped, got gas, peed, and headed toward the snacks.  And there it was -- hard liquor in a gas station.  I bet it was less difficult to buy booze during Prohibition than it is to buy technology NOW.

Totally NOT a Buzz Kill.  Quite the opposite, actually.